Pop Culture Idiot Achiever Of The Minute: Vanilla Ice

Oh hi. Good news? The charges were dropped. Anyway I've been thinking a lot about Vanilla Ice lately. I had the good fortune to hear his 1991 classic, "Cool as Ice." Why that wasn't a bigger hit, I'll never know. Of course in the ensuing years Rob Van Winkle has also been responsible for some of my favorite TV moments.

Idiot Flashback: Ice bellowed, "...This is what I'm talking 'bout!" And then proceeded to destroy stuff, including Chris Kattan...


A good idea gone horribly wrong. For 1999's MTV program 25 Lame, Janeane Garofalo, Jon Stewart, Denis Leary and Chris Kattan all got together to crack jokes on videos in the MTV catalogue. Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" was one of them. Unlike your Billy Squier, Journey or Gerardo; Ice decided to fall by to personally retire his video. Not good. It seems the chortles in the air caused Ice to snap and he did destroy his video--and and much of the 25 Lamest Videos set.

The Lowdown: It was at this point we discovered Vanilla Ice had anger management issues...



A loving picture between two icons? Not quite. As a member of the Surreal Life house, vanilla Ice did seem to come to terms with his legacy. That didn't prevent him from riding a fellow icon like a pony however. The Surreal Life cast/house mates were giving an assignment in a LA restaurant. The boss for the day? Gary Coleman. In the epitome of padding his part, Coleman acted like a grueling taskmaster. Vanilla Ice? The "employee" derelict in his duty. Ice mocked Coleman, wanting to hear Gary say his Diff'rent Strokes era punchline. At the same time, people wanted Ice to embrace his past. Vanilla wasn't there yet as pictured, Vanilla Ice is a jerk.

What Would Freud Say: Don't need to be Dr. Scholls to tackle this one. Teasing Coleman was a way for Ice to build up his flagging self-esteem. Ice felt "empowered" but missed the opportunity to dialogue with his equally crazy counterpart. This fiasco presented Coleman a missed opportunity of doing what some of us would like to do: Kick Vanilla Ice between his wickets.

Wow, he's not cool...

Annoying Commercials Part 134,300 and a Half

More commercial annoyances have proven that I'm such a little man, pretty soon you're going to need a jeweler's glass just to see me. This is yet more stuff I just can't stand...


Tyson's Chicken: The Basketball Commercial: I hoping I was going to delivered from this spot by any means possible, nothin' doin'. This is a chicken commercial and giving the "sporty" atmosphere it probably has to be nugglets or dreaded chicken patties. What's happening in the kitchen isn't all that important, the action's on the court. These annoying kids are playing basketball and ma makes a shot and says in some odd accent, "...This is Momma's house." Good grief. Despite her skill at besting kids who are 4 feet tall, I don't think she's going to be in the WNBA anytime soon.


Payback for abusing her kids on a makeshift basketball court...











Reminiscing while washing rank gym clothes: You've seen this spot. Some mom is trying to boo hoo over her child getting older. How does that song go? "...He'll always be my little man, so hard to say goodbye..." Either say goodbye or don't, good lord, it's Tide--who cares. Such an artistic slant for a detergent that hasn't cut the mustard in close to a decade. You know what I want to hear? "This actually takes out stains." That's it.

Hormel: Magical Beans:On one commercial I see Hormel product appearing and disappearing on shelves. There are also totally bogus "happy" eaters looking at their cans of Hormel stuff lovingly. That's not my experience with it. For me, this stuff comes out of the can gummy with a film not unlike what's found in dog food. Practically everyone has mastered the edible canned food concept better than these guys. As for "special powers?" Nah, can't think of one...


Another Frightening Mascot, The Halls Wolf: Remember those days were having a cold was illustrated in simple terms like, having a cold? Now Halls has up the ante and have created a community of wolves and pigs. I've seen this and I don't know what kind of cough drops this company is selling, I see that wolf hybrid in that exercise gear and I've got fresh nightmares all lined up.


Ponch Estrada Looking Like A Jackass: Yeah let's watch Poncherello try to sell land that was probably covered with police lines. Despite a stint on VH-1's The Surreal Life, it seems that Estrada has been at sixes and sevens. Problem solved. It looks like he's gone back to his bread and butter, real estate commercials featuring land going for cheap and Estrada pleading like he's trying to get off death row. Like the rest of us I was hypnotized by the festive print of Erik's shirts, but I read between the lines and saw tons of red tape. Don't know what land he's selling, don't care where--Estrada's commercials are the best of a worst lot.

Congrats To Will Smith For His American Music Award Win

Wow, the folks at the American Music Awards finally got it right. It's been a tremendous year for Will Smith the recording artist. His single "Switch" was barely a hit, the album it came from, Lost and Found is barely known. Those facts make me believe that this is the best choice and one that took a lot of courage.


Certainly a lot of people will disagree and say, "Will Smith? I didn't know he was still recording." Others might laugh, "That's a great pick, if it's still 1999." Smith won in the Rock/Pop category aganist 50 Cent and Rob Thomas. It was a lesser of three evils things going on. Let's face it, the Grammies have lost their luster, the American Music Awards have always been definitive. So much so, I'd like to remember a few other acts who were oh so deserving.


1996 was known as Garth Brooks Time. Well not really. Brooks took off for a year, released Fresh Horses the previous year. Garth really wasn't around, well we did spend time together fixing up houses for folks. History shows that for better or worse, Hootie and the Blowfish were the clear choice for this. The ever cautious Clark caved into the non Hootie and the Blowfish contigent (those who liked good songs and non corny bands)and went with the safe choice: An act who didn't deserve the honor at the time.


Here's a snippet of Brooks's heart-warming acceptance speech: "So you'll know right off the bat, I cannot agree with this... Music is made up of a lot of people, and if we're one artist short, then we all become a lesser music. So, without any disrespect to the American Music Awards, and without any disrespect to any fans who voted, to all the people who should be honored with this award..."

Garth came with it! This is what he said about the award: "...I'm gonna leave it right here..." Dick Clark was used and abused. I've got to hand it to Garth, he manned up on that one. There have been a ton of awards not deserved yet handed out to guys like this...


What a hellish alliance Dick Clark and these guys cooked up. Alabama won a staggering 23 American Music Awards and a lot of them weren't deserved one iota. At a certain point Alabama were winning awards for simply catching breath. They finished up their "winning" streak with 2003's Award of Merit.

An Idiot's Reflection: You know when Alabama won for Best Bicycle Spoke, Coolest Unmanned Spaceship and Favorite Supermodel, that's when it became a problem...

Pop Culture Idiot Achiever of the Nanosecond: Bonzi Buddy

In short, "I Destroy Stuff."


Goodness comes in all forms, that's a trait shared by the Bonzi Buddy. I really hadn't had one on my computer in about 1,230 years so I decided to do some research. Turns out we can scrap that first sentence. Don't know what was up there. Some crazy rumors on the net that say Bonzi Buddy equals Spyware. That can't be for real. Or can it?

The early Bonzi was an enchanting presence on the internet. He was a green parrot full of jokes and play. I for one appreciated his wry humor and those government secrets he told me. It seems that having Bonzi "as is" wasn't good enough. I was instructed/forced to "upgrade." I knew trouble was coming. The new Bonzi Buddy was spyware, a total hard drive killer. To make matters worse, the parrot that I grew so close to had disappeared, replaced by a funny looking purple ape. Later editions include a creepy wizard that I swear infiltrated Yahoo messenger and ruined my chances with a fine young lady with his brusque talk.

The World vs Bonzi Buddy: The company that made Bonzi Buddy has been sued multiple times. Although everyone knows about his poisionous ways, Bonzi is still allowed to have a site where the thrill seekers get their kicks. Yep Bonzi likes hard-core porn.

A Near Miss: When I started this blog, Bonzi sent me some paperwork detailing an alliance. I love folks too much to be teamed up with an unneeded, annoying, cartoon figment. He wrote back and said, "I know what you mean..."

John Lithgow: What Happened?

John Lithgow needs our help. His Campbell's Selects commercials have to be a plea of some kind. At this point I'm dreading seeing them. It wasn't always like this. The first time I saw them I thought they were pleasant enough. I was a little surprised to see someone of Lithgow's stature doing such a tacky commercial. Make that three commercials so far. They all are hideous and they all make Lithgow look like a jackass.

I find this annoying for various reasons. I think the idea of a "high-end" Campbell soup is a bit ridiculous at this point. The hi-fluent tone of the "menu" is pretty wretch worthy too. You know there's a remedy for all of this: Progresso.

In one spot in particular Lithgow is eating soup and dancing around in his "jammies." See, Campbell's Selects gave him that power. He doesn't have to go to some fancy restaurant for fine food, he can grab a box of soup like the rest of us.


For his own good. Me and my fellow fighters try to prevent John from filming another soul-numbing/self-negating commercial...

Herbie Hancock: The Vocoder Years

Always going about his music business with his mad scientist like detail, it seems Herbie couldn't resist the vocoder's charms. As he broached the pure fusion market, the vocoder was his weapon of "destruction" on most of his late '70s and early '80s albums. Although his albums did remain tasteful, he brought something else to the party. What was it? His own voice synthesized through electronics gone mad. This is when fans heard Herbie's "romantic" warblings on yearning ballads like, "Come Running" and "Trust Me." And trust me you haven't lived or loved until you've heard lyrical bromides filtered through total hardware and from someone who simply can't sing. Of all the players who did this deal, Hancock always seemed to have a sense of humor about it and his work is instantly recognizable. Still it's going to be either loved or hated.

Herbie full of contrition after his "Vibe Alive" dance









The High Point: On Herbie's 1982 album Lite Me Up, he did a ballad with Patrice Rushen called, "Give it All You've Got." They did their "duet" singing through vocoders. Shortly after this Hancock decided to employ his vocoder in a more stark/eerie direction. Great idea...

The Vocoder History: Hancock's peak vocoder work can be heard on Sunlight, Feets Don't Fail Me Now, Monster, Mr. Hands, Magic Windows, Lite Me Up, Future Shock, Sound System and Perfect Machine


Herbie accepting his award for "Best Vocoder Ever."

Where's 90210 alum Hilary Swank??

Lucky Break: Swank's talents caused Joe E. Tata to remain last in the credits.



Oh hi, I'm back. Had to take a few days off, my wrists were sore from those handcuffs. You know I'm a fan of Beverly Hills 90210 and I had the good fortune to catch some of those dreaded later episodes. It's not all bad, in fact there's an actress whose work I really liked, her name is Hilary Swank. This entry isn't for me, it's for us, all of us who'd like to know what happened to Hilary Swank.

Entering the series on its 115th season Swank played single mother Carly Reynolds, Steve's girlfriend. On the show Swank possessed an earthy, coltish beauty that made her fellow female co-stars look even more like buffoons. Swank in fact flipped the script and "actually acted." That's a fact that must have startled Aaron Spelling. So much so, Swank seemed to be phased out of the program as the season went on.

Let's be real; Hilary was canned. She wasn't able to keep up with the acting clinic going on at 90210 with Strasburg trained thespians like Sir Ian Ziering, Jennie Garth and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Swank was relieved of her duties on the program and perhaps reality set in; she's a great kid but totally not on their level. But then again, who is?

This is where it gets tricky. Some friends have been telling me about another actress named Hilary Swank. Ok, I'll admit there is some resemblance, but I'm not prepared to say she's like a doppelganger or anything. Really it's clear for anyone to see, I'm looking for Hilary Swank not Hilary Swank...


Such a talented actress. Given the proper opportunity I bet she could play anything from a girl living as a boy to a boxer. Hollywood should give her that chance...

Return of the Dunderheads: Larry King

"...Try try try to understand, he's a non Magic Man..."



I guess the workshops and the intervention didn't take, my dislike for Larry King is increasing. At this point the very idea of him makes me queasy. You know, I'm able to go about my life and be a semi-productive member of society and then the very idea of Larry King sends shivers down my spine. But more than his bumptious manner, I don't like the way Larry King has infiltrated himself into the movie reviewing business.

More and more I'm seeing his reviews attached to films. And really is there a bigger indication your movie sucks if you have to use a Larry King review as a selling point? Then again if those "phantom" and bogus reviews are bad, King's horridness will be only topped by his spectacle of a TV show Larry King Live. In the past few years it's became Bad News Central with King presiding over séances, videos of folks shooting dope and chats with inanimate objects. Although I'm all for "reporters" getting their story, I think Larry trying to interview a hurricane was a bit much.


True confession: I'd like to "show up" on the set and grab Larry by the suspenders and push/roll him in a direction he didn't need to go. Do a review on that!

Larry King having a laugh at my expense. Oh no he didn't!

What's Happening !!: The Doobie Brothers Episodes

"Feeling good" after that Doobies concert...


The Doobie Brothers episode of What's Happening!! is classic TV. To recap, Raj got an assignment from the much heralded Jefferson High Gazette to do an article on the Doobie Brothers. The Doobs were performing in the area. Fantastic. The guys get a chance to meet the Doobies. The Doobies all look high. Turns out what they hate the most is bootleggers. Rerun's had all of that covered. Earlier Rerun met Al Dunbar and his partner Brother Bruno. Al even gave Rerun some state of the art equipment for the task.


I read somewhere this pic was taken on a plane. That's probably true but they still look toasted.


You know the suspense on this show was great. Everytime I watch this I forget that Rerun is indeed breaking the law. I'm reminded however during the end of "Takin' It To the Streets" when that big, bulky cassette recorder falls out his trench coat. Every one notices, Raj, Dee, Dwayne, the crowd and the Doobies. We were all ashamed. It looked like Rerun was totally wearing Jox tennis shoes too.

The Doobies and the guys arranged a sting operation at Rob's Place. We all saw Al and his cohort Brother Bruno slither in. Al didn't want any chit-chat from the gang, he wanted that "Doobies Live" cassette and no gabbing. When the deal was going down, Rob's Place became surrounded by Doobies, oh yeah, a cop showed up too. After all of that Al Dunbar is still serving time for his piracy fiascos.

Question of the Day: Why were Raj and Rerun singing, "Fly Me To The Moon?"

An actual tape deck from Al Dunbar's collection...

Pop Culture Idiot Achiever of the Minute: Engelbert Humperdinck

When Engelbert loosens his tie, all bets are off...


Here's a true icon. Engelbert Humperdinck first gained notoriety in the US in the mid '60s. Such a talented guy. In fact the whole world was taken with his romantic sentiment mixed with a bit of smarm. Engelbert truly got cracking as a recording artist with songs like the silly "Quando, Quando, Quando" and the other song about bicycles or something. A personal fave is Humperdinck's version of Burt Bacharach and Hal David's "I'm a Better a Man."

After his career turned a bit cold, he signed to Epic Records and released classics like "After the Lovin'" and "The Last of the Romantics." This era provided Humperdinck with all of the tools to be called a "legend." He remains a well-loved talent today. Well except for those folks in the "I Hate Engelbert" club. It's clear they'll never come around.

Fast Facts: In the early '80s Humperdinck grew a moustache to further his acting career. Great...

Words From a True Fan: I have the good fortune to have Engelbert's 1969 classic Engelbert. It features his spell binding version of "Age of Aquarius."

Bygones: After having a public war of words, Bert and I have decided to bury the hatchet. Privately, we're still totally on the fence about one hating one another...

Vanilla Coke: Discontinued

Someone sent me an email detailing Vanilla Coke's being the drink of all of the "cool" people. I did think about it, but before I made the decision, I wanted to do some research. Bad news. Coca-Cola is discontinuing the much-loved soft drink beverage.

Vanilla Coke did indeed have a short shelf life. It debuted in late 2002. Consumers were greeted with an odious, expensive ad campaign that featured Simon Cowell and Chazz Palminteri. The commercial had Palimenteri as some "crime boss" hassling the world's biggest critic, Cowell. Missy Elliot appeared in a commercial too. Funny stuff if funny means something that is totally uninteresting and leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Come to think of it, that was perfect for Vanilla Coke.

Although it did seem like a promising concept, things either have to taste good, have some medicinal properties or give you a buzz to get repeat customers. Vanilla Coke did none of that. And if you didn't get the news, let me say it again, Vanilla Coke is over. Why does saying that give me so much joy...


A Review From Someone Who Used To Chew Aluminum Foil: Got to say it was a great idea. However, I knew trouble was coming when I popped the cap. The vanilla used smelled like imitation vanilla, it was basically a cake in a can. In layman's terms, it tasted all kinds of bad.

As of early 2006 Vanilla Coke will be available in other places except the US. Finally some good news...

Jason Alexander: KFC Gate

I made a promise to be the blog of record concerning what happened with Jason Alexander and his brief affliation with Kentucky Fried Chicken. It seems that the world doesn't want this info to be common knowledge. I say, why not. Here's what I've uncovered...




"...The deplorable conditions that turned the funnyman into a hero...




Although I thought Jason was dropped due to his underwhelming performance, turns out it was something far more sinister. Alexander had aligned with PETA. It seems the animal rights group bent the ear of the then yardbird hustler. Well it was more than that. PETA also showed George facts, photos and video of how KFC treated its chickens. Alexander was appalled. Jason also couldn't overlook the fact that killing chickens was part of KFC's money making scheme. The madness has to stop.

Alexander, with his head full of hooey and steam actually attempted to talk with KFC about improving the condition of the chickens. Yeah, like that was going to happen. One would have to assume it was a foolhardy mission of the kamikaze variety. Colonel Sanders himself showed him the door.

The Damage: A lot. The world was gyped out of seeing those entertaining and uplifting KFC spots featuring Jason Alexander.

Did Alexander's plight help the chickens cause: Nope

Foghorn Leghorn listens as George gets fired...

Colin Powell's GI Joe

Action figure, real person? Not crazy about any of them at this point...







I've been thinking about Colin Powell. Well not really. He's supposed to write a book and I'm trying to exploit that fact by dredging up an action figure of shame. In 1998 Hasbro issued a Colin Powell GI Joe. In the pics we see that the articulation is striking. If we're totally honest with ourselves we can also say that's it's totally creepy as well. That's the thing about "dolls" they're either pop culture BS or talisman custom made for a B horror film. It's clear where Colin's is in this conversation...


Regardless of political affiliation, the Colin Powell GI Joe is a toy, I mean, action figure to admire. It's made in the "Classic Collection" style, it has a durable design, semi-kung fu grip hands. We don't have to be fashion savvy to see that is a smart looking suit as well. You know, if a GI Joe fan isn't all that sold on Colin they can scrap him and keep his accessories. I think that's dandy...

What I Really Think: Good lord, that's weird looking...

Pop Culture Idiot Achiever of the Minute: Where's Waldo

You know, after careful consideration I'm picking Waldo as my Pop Culture Achiever of the Minute. Why not? He'd never rifle through my personal belongings like Jeroen Krabbe. I bet Waldo's a better sport than Gerald Ford ever was. Really, thinking about Waldo has made me see how fickle our culture of celebrity is.

In the early '90s we came together as nation to search for one young man, our moral center--Waldo. While no one told us he was missing, we all did a gut check and decided to look for him anyway. It's part of the job description of being a can-do American. Who could forget that Barbara Walters Special he did in 1992. It seems a crying and full of contrition Waldo brought us all together. Then he was gone, again. Looking through crowds of people, we often did find Waldo. But as sneaky and elusive as he could be, he repeatedly slipped through our fingers. By the mid '90s, there was a war going on, folks were choosing sides and sadly the "Where's Waldo" search had to be put on indefinite hiatus like a crappy sitcom.

A Plea: Despite all of the havoc he's wreaked, I say we should lay down our arms and let Waldo become a full-fledged member of society once again...

Ah, maybe not...

David Bowie and Mick Jagger-Dancing in the Street

Golly...

The nightmare continues.... The nightmare in this instance is the David Bowie/Mick Jagger cover of "Dancing in the Street" from 1985. It all started out so innocently. This "get together" was due in part to Live Aid. Although both of them performed at the concert (not together thankfully) the video and song were also a part of the package. If the two did the duet together at Wembley or Philadelphia, it might have been too much for us all.

The song was forgettable enough with its zippy synths and phoned in performances. This is a landmine of inapproriate stuff all around. "Dancing in the Street" typifies Big 80's wretchedness. It's a Motown desecration. The Martha and the Vandellas original had been acknowledged as a civil rights anthem. Nothing is like that here. You know what's here? Tons o' love and affection even if it is uncomfortable for, well, everyone. It has been said that this video facillitated the very idea of Hands Across America.

About that video. Such a display. Mick and David gyrated near one another, mugged and basically had the casual ease of two folks who probably had sex together. The pictures included capture that obvious, hurl-worthy chemistry. How did the guys really feel? Jagger seems to be more flippant here, coy even--seemingly trying to ignore Bowie's advances. And about Bowie. His girlish glee was more girlish than I've seen from any woman. Frankly I hadn't seen anything from him like this during this era or after. Thank god.

An Idiot's Regret: That Robert Plant wasn't included...

Kind of Watching It Movies: My Girl

This charming coming of age movie from 1991 centered on one Vada Sultenfuss, or as my fellow dyslexics might call her, Zeda Wockenfuss. Vada was of course played by Anna Chlumsky. My Girl was the tale of a young girl and her widowed mortician dad played by Dan Aykroyd. This movie was set in 1971. While this is Chlumsky's debut, My Girl also featured Macaulay Culkin as the doomed Thomas Jay Sennett. There are some nice touches throughout. Anna wanted to be a writer so she wasn't a smart alecky "sitcom" kid. Jamie Lee Curtis played a makeup artist who got the job to work on the folks at Anna's dad's funeral home.

I have to say, I was a bit tired viewing this movie again. And you know what? The spot-on period detail and intelligence of the script was overshadowed by one fact: Macaulay Culkin's death scene. At 3:20 AM I wanted to see Thomas J. stung by bees. It's a sad request from a sad man. Seeing the movie I knew that Vada and Thomas J.'s summer frolicking was going to lead to big time disaster. In fact I saw a teaser, the kids with the bees, but it wasn't the scene. The bad news? I missed it and woke up with Macaulay Culkin in a casket. You know all of the rock n' roll faves and nice atmosphere can't withstand that downer and My Girl ran out of gas for me shortly after.

An Idiot's Take: This was good, not great as I thought it was. Really the whole thing makes me sleepy just thinking about it.

Wow, it is a turf war on a global scale...

Swanson's TV Dinners: Just Great...

"Jason, the TV dinner was top notch. The best in the history of eating and defecating. The peas and carrots were oddly chewy. The beef tasted like wet cardboard in salt goo. The potatoes had the faint aroma of Lysol, I loved it..."


Donald Trump is just giddy over that TV dinner. Keep this under wraps but Trump and I are about to do some A level business deals. We talked for a good while and for our meal we had two Swanson TV dinners. They had been frozen for close to three decades but that's neither here nor there. Donald's just getting out of the hospital, but in any event he is correct, that TV dinner was great. And when you think about it aren't all TV dinners great?



To be totally truthful I haven't enjoyed a TV dinner in close to 20 years. That's when microwaves became an option. Also the tin foil was replaced by plastic. I'm still not onboard with that. Call me old-fashioned but I think the aluminum tin/oven deal made everything on the Swanson menu "extra-good."

More BS: I particularly enjoy the cobbler portion of the meal. Although they say it's still available, it's certainly not like it was heated in that tin. The brownie/chocolate whatever? It's probably not chocolate at all.

Derelict in Duty: The Salisbury Steak. Once a dinner staple, the Salisbury Steak has declined in both taste and popularity. It's a darned shame.


There's the inventor of the TV dinner, the late Gerry Thomas. I've got to say, that dinner looks like one clammy mess...