Monday, August 11, 2014

The Crap Factory That's Also Called The View

  Oh hi. You know, my staff just alerted me about the miscarriages of justice happening on the View. The View? I'm stunned there's so much chaos, this was one of our class TV programs. Well anyway, some interns gave me the run-down on what's happened this eventful summer!!

In May, Miss Barbara Walters took it to the ranch and decided to leave. The View had a special 1 hour special. It was big doings. Elvis said goodbye to Barbara via satellite from Hawaii, a bunch of anchor women appeared on stage as well as all of the past and present hosts of the View. The most hilarious thing? Hillary Clinton showed up, Sherri Shepherd did the unthinkable and called her by her "first name" and she got scolded by Barbara. Ha! Sherri started to cry too, damn fool. Well anyway, after Miss Barbara schooled her ass and the show declined post-haste.

The Long Hard Slog: If it's humanly possible, the show declined without Barbara Walters. The View was secretly auditioning folks, just because. The list of people were loathsome and included the heretofore useless Bill Rancic and Still Kind of Fat Ross Matthews. As a man, can I tell you I don't want to see a man on the View. What for and why? I don't know what Bill Geddie's thinking about. He must be "hitting the stem" like it's 1990 something, nothing makes sense.

It's Starting to Make Sense: Children's summers were spoiled in late June with the awful news that Sherri Shepherd announcing she was leaving the View. Oh no. As soon as Sherri's news was hot off the presses, Jenny McCarthy tweet/Twittered that she was leaving if  her dummy in arms Sherri was leaving. Turns out the mucky-mucks at ABC had reached McCarthy's decision for her, she was out too--after only a year.

The Worst News of All: You think this is all bad? Guess what happened in July? The folks at the View brought back Rosie O' Donnell from peaceful obscurity. You remember Rosie? She's the one who imploded the show back in olden day with her ol' funny moods, gloomy set changes and her general pleasing personality. Some would say that O' Donnell pretty much ruined the View. She did--and now she'll be back...

My Take: The show is over. Throughout the summer months they've been auditioning different women and it all sucks..

Coming Up: How Bill Geddie lost his gig and Sherri's long overdue goodbye...

Saturday, June 14, 2014

The Arsenio Hall Show-Cancelled Again?

Hey everyone! I had this in the vaults, I meant to push publish and I didn't, butterfingers! Here's my take on the Arsenio Hall Show Travesty.

Oh hi and oh no they didn't. They couldn't. It was reported that Paramount/CBS had cancelled the Arsenio Hall Show. To fans of the show, we're saddened and surprised. Make that really surprised. This past February, the show had a segment where fellow talk show host and old friend Jay Leno appeared to give Hall the good news that his show had been renewed for a second season. The crowd erupted, Hall looked visibly happy to the point of tears. It all seemed perfect--and then it wasn't.

In their "explanation," CBS cowardly said the following, "Unfortunately, ‘The Arsenio Hall Show’ will not return for a second season; while there are many loyal fans of the show, the series did not grow its audience enough to continue. Arsenio is a tremendous talent and we’d like to thank him for all the hard work and energy he put into the show. We’d also like to thank Tribune and all our station group partners for their support of the show.” I call bullshit. As a viewer, and a big fan of Hall's 1989-1994 show, the problems were numerous but one was glaring to an almost startling fact: Guests.

In this show, Hall couldn't seem to get many acts on his show. Even denizens from the lower rungs of the B to the C list seemed to stay away. In another fact, Hall's show had hardly any white guests. I remember seeing Mark Harmon, Joel from Parenthood and that's almost it. The only reason for this isn't a "creative decision" but threats from the folks at Jimmy Kimmel Live and The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Fans of the show have to notice that this situation was even more pronounced when "Mr. Happy" Jimmy Fallon took over the Tonight Show.Fallon reportedly plays hardball and this took away even more guests from Arsenio Hall. Excuse me, my diapers "full up" and I can't talk anymore.....

My Take: While the show wasn't as strong as Hall's predecessor, it certainly didn't deserve to be cancelled. And really, when was the last time you've heard of a show given the green light to continue in February--only to be reneged on--in May. I've never heard of that. In rarefied, legalese, I think Arsenio has a "suitcase."

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Sad Informercial: Life Lock, Derm Exclusive, Meaningful Beauty

Montel Williams- Life Lock Pitchman- You know, part of me thinks watching Montel with his infomercial antics is a little like seeing Willie Mays playing in 1973 with busted out knees. The other part? Well, I like corny television.

The Life Lock infomercial follows a now familiar presence. The production values make it seem like this is a Montel Williams Show. It isn't, it's a commercial. By the time you really think about it, you're already disoriented and you're watching it like it's Kafka. Life Lock is a company that gives you an alert when your identity being taken over--or there's a hint of credit fraud. Williams is steady throughout and exactly acts like he believes this crap. I don't.

Part 2: While the whole idea isn't anything brilliant, the saddest thing is how this is made to look like a real talk show. Rumor has it that Williams was led to believe his show was "back" and when he was told it wasn't, he called me crying/crine up a storm!

Grade **

Dr. Andrew Ordon- Derm Exclusive- You know it's near end times when this monkey has his own informercial. While Dr. Ordon might be known for buying worn women's "intimates" on the internet, he's also known for his part in the daily destruction called The Doctors. And speaking of the Doctors, didn't that show turn into a crap factory. Perhaps in a way to distance himself from that Cleveland Steamer of a show, Doc Ordon has his own thing, a horrible informercial.

Like many other deals, Derm Exclusive supposedly takes away the visible signs of aging. And to drive this point home, Ordon employed some of the most young looking women in the business including Minnie Driver and the patron saint of vague unease and baby hair, Rozonda "Chili" Thomas. This informercial is brutal, even worse than Montel's travesties. It's a lie and the truth isn't in it!

Part 2: I bet Doc Ordon is angling for his own show. He sees the writing on the wall at the Doctors. It's all become a revolving door. Didn't they even take of his "come on down" spot in between the show? Yep.

Grade ** 1/2

Cindy Crawford-Meaningful Beauty- I'm not one to hate on Cindy Crawford as the kids say. Her infomercial? Fair game. I don't know how many shows have been recorded but one is plenty. In one version another pretty woman, Valerie Bertinelli hosts this "show" talking about this miracle ooze that helped Cindy retain her staggering beauty.

For fans of science, we know what's helped Cindy: Genetics, plain ol' good living and other "stuff." Of course this is a commercial enterprise and this good fortune is going to be hitched to a product. And in this case, a doctor, Dr. Jean-Louis Sebagh. In the commercial he's treated like some youth-preserving deity--but the secret ingredient is very simple: Cantaloupes. Cantaloupes? If eating cantaloupes  Scatman Crothers wouldn't have looked a day over 15. Jean Louis Sebagh is a charlatan!

Grade ***