Mariah Carey's Fan Letters, Kicked to the Curb

See folks were trying to forget this. I had to bring it back front and center. A while back it was reported that on a street sat tons of fan letters sent to Mariah Carey. The number was strongly in the hundreds and some were unopened, well most were. What makes this sad is that a lot of the letters were over 15 years old. One can imagine a young boy waiting to hear from his aural fairy god mother. Or how about a young girl needing the kind words from Miss Mariah Carey. Some got it, some didn't, let's examine the folks who got zinged.

If you'd like, click on the letter for a good-old fashioned cry. That's clearly an early Mariah Carey fan. Summer is sharing her love of making smiley faces and her love of Mariah and she got squashed like a bug behind a bus. And how about that PS. The young lady would love an autographed picture and words to live by. By the looks of it that child got big nothing. What a mannerly youth, I think the PPSS is a special touch.







A little bit much. Due to Carey's likable nature a few folks got their wires tripped and actually thought she'd like to see family picture. Think again. These photos were on the scrap heap too. I feel the most sorry for that sailor fella. As he took the high seas, thoughts of Mariah helped the day go faster.

Certainly an artist like Mariah Carey can't answer every fan letter. But really one would think stuff like this could be disposed in a better manner...


"Editor's" Note: Again I'm shocked and saddened by this report, so much so I just had to take yet another look at Mariah heh heh...

Pop Culture Idiot Ye Old Shoppe Of Crap

What's your pleasure? I've got Floyd working y'all and this time he's not working the streets. Floyd has a lot of time on his hands these days since Mount Pilot opened up a Hair Cuttery. I needed a pitchman for my new endeavor. Floyd was only too happy to oblige. Thank you Floyd. Here's a few of the product we have to offer...

Joy- You remember this stuff. This hasn't been off the shelves that long, well the classic yellow bottle and the molasses like dishwashing detergant has. With a new bottle came a diluted Joy. This stuff was thick and the noxious odor that emitted from the yellow cap let everyone know it was working "real good." To keep up with the variety's craze that's struck dishwashing liquid, Joy now comes in Ocean Breeze, Nigara Falls, Almost Clean, etc. Not anything as the original though.







Musterole- Musterole was basically horseradish and a punch in the nose as a cold remedy. This was potent stuff, it would pretty much open your head and alter your dream patterns. And yeah, the “Muster” part of Musterole did indeed mean mustard. That’s awful reassuring and explains tons.

Orudis KT- Now this came on like gangbusters. I got tired of Tylenol and especially the White Rabbit flashbacks/stomach pangs the PM edition could bring. Orudis KT was going be the wave of the future, until you took it that is. For me, it was one dose—and that’s all she wrote, it never, ever worked again. But I’ve got loads of it here at the sto’. Let Floyd go and get you some. If he falls down or something climbing over the boxes, just walk away.

Kaopectate- This was so popular it was talked about on the Sugarhill Gang’s seminal rap hit, “Rapper’s Delight.” In the song, Kaopectate offered “quick relief” after your friend’s mother’s horrible meal. Now when did that happen in real life? In my personal experience Kaopectate just seemed to hasten what ever distress you were suffering from. Got to like the “smoother” taste caption on the bottle--that means it possibly tasted less like throw up. Believe it or not, they still make this stuff but it has totally "fallen off" as the kids say.

Everyone Loves the Sound of Air Guitar

Ok, he looks like a jerk.

Given these kooky times, one thing leads me to believe America will continue to prosper. That thing is Air Guitar. Although I haven't been inflicted with the fever, I have to applaud those nifty folks who let their Air Guitar flag fly. You know how much I like them? I broke them down into categories so they can be easily detected and not scorned.


The Lifer- This is the guy who's gone from everything from Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin to whatever newer stuff strikes his fancy. His style isn't as precise as the Air Virtuoso, but it's close. Although he talks a good game about not doing it, play some Jeff Baxter, you'll see some head nobbing, wistful smiles and perhaps, some tears.

The Air Virtuoso- This is the gold standard. The Air Virtuoso likes the finer things in life and Guitar is just one of them. At this point, he's beyond the likes of Van Halen, etc, he's only more attuned to players like John McLaughlin, Allan Holdsworth and Santana. The Air Virtuoso also has a vast array of facial expressions, nimble fingers and head shakes. It's a treat to be in the same world as the Air Virtuoso, he's walking art.

Dancefloor Guitar Man- The DGM has a particular love for the rhythm guitar part of the song and treats his fellow dance floor denizens (party people) to his highly-trained ear and his sense of frivolity. Patented steps are included in Dancefloor Guitar Man's arsenal. With his surgeon's concentration and his agile moves, Dancefloor Guitar Man's moves are expected and reluctantly enjoyed.


Words from a Legend: For his 1981 album, "That's What Time It Is" Johnny Guitar Watson included "Do the Guitar." In the song Watson layed out instructions to enhance the virtual guitar experience. You know what this is? Conformation that a kooky personality flaw got the A-OK from a genuine guitar player.




Brother in Arms: Jon Farriss from INXS. Got Sticks No Kit

Chuck Berry: Potty Misdeeds

Chuck Berry and Keith Richards in a scene from the 1988 documentary Hail! Hail! Rock N' Roll.

We all know Chuck Berry always had an unctuous, seamy undercurrent about him. By 1990 we all knew that he was a big 'ol freakazoid. What did Chuck do? Well some bad, bad stuff that finally caught up to him in 1990. Berry apparently installed cameras in the bedroom and bathrooms of his home at Berry Park as well as his restaurant, Southern Air. Why? He wanted to check women out in various states of undress and bathroom goings on. Now, his home I can understand, but a nice family restaurant like Southern Air? This time, it's personal. 200 women eventually were involved in the case. Things seized in of Berry's case included videotapes, slides, books, hash and lots of money. 1990 seemed to be a horrible public relations year for Berry. During this time more pictures (of Chuck and various women) were taken from his estate and were released in a magazine. Sadly some of those pics are still availible on the 'net. Seeing Chuck Berry in the nude, now that's a crime.
Southern Air has since closed its doors, we can thank Peepin' Chuck for that. Berry is still performing and getting on everyone's nerves.

Uh oh, don't let Chuck see this, he'll erase over it and add to his "stash."

Persnickity Stuff: Folks I'm Learning To Hate

You know, my persnickity rants from a month ago worked out so well, I had to do it again. Actually I had some of this in the holster a week or so ago. I'm not liking any of these people any better so...


Jude Law- Little guys like this have always gotten in my craw. The diminutive Englishman has certainly eased himself into a lot of movies of late. To me, he always strikes a bland, self-satisfied presence. In short, I can see him acting. Hollywood's never going to give up on him however. Of course, he'll star in some "oscar-worthy" turn as some war hero who loses stuff and then has to navigate his stump to roll down a valley to save his platoon.



Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn- Oh, I get it. Take two morons with so-so careers, put them together, they take on the strength of one viable box office entity. Phooey. I did have to laugh their Rolling Stone cover. It said something like, "Not since Belushi and Aykroyd..." What? Not since, what? They didn't answer that question--but I do/does/can. These guys can't compare to John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd and they never will.

Usher- Get a load of this total jerk. See what happens when you spend your 15th birthday under the tutelege of P. Diddy. What seemed "wild" and "exciting" then pretty much translates into a narcissitic young men with 15 screws loose. First off, not a fan of his singing voice. He has an odd shaped head too. What's worse, I think he believes he's Marvin Gaye. Has he listened to Marvin Gaye? Usher's little warblings can't touch him. Not surprisingly, rumor has it that Usher's affairs in amore are of the mind bending, stomach turning variety. Right now, he's dating a "video vixen" named, Karrine "Supahead" Steffans. She sounds like one class act...


Joe Simpson- It was when I saw footage of Joe and Ryan Cabrera tooling around town I noticed something: Joe Simpson is a raging jackass. I caught a gander at him sauntering around thinking he's hi-fi and I got incensed. Just how did this thing become so important? And what happened to the sensible, no-nonsense Joe Simpson we first got to know? Sadly that Joe Simpson is history, replaced by a reptilian, glad-handing SOB who's probably going to get his own reality series before it's all over. Disgusting...


Matthew Fox, yep Uncle Charlie from Party of Five. Speaking of Party of Five did that show implode or what? Anyway, it seems that Fox has cultivated an attitude about Lost's treatment in the media compared to Desperate Housewives. Mmm, let's see--stuff a sock in your pie hole? How can this be a mystery. Desperate Housewives is about hot chicks and Lost is Wolf, the Stepdad, the guy from Oz and one of the urchins from Lord of the Rings. Really Lost is one bad plot line from being cancelled, and this fool's complaining. Fox wasn't doing a whole heck of a lot in the "down time" between POF and Lost. *Coughs* whiner...

Kind of Watching It TV: Truck Turner

This had to happen. I've mentioned Truck Turner, Scatman Crothers plus other stuff in this blog. Truck Turner is kind of like the Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon in this regard and I recently saw this. Here's a "review." Truck and his friend Jerry are bounty hunters. Their assignment? To go kill a pimp--a decidedly nasty and showy one, hence the pink pimpmobile. Anyhoo, Truck gets the job done, but after a while the pimp's friends are out for revenge. The friends? Nichelle Nichols, Yaphet Kotto plus a wide array of pimps from the general vicinity. Nichols offers the pimps 50% of her business to the one that kills Truck Turner. With that, a ton of folks are on board. In a related plot the legendary Scatman Crothers plays a pimp with a heart of gold who offers Truck some good advice.

Long story short, the list of casualities at the hand of Truck mounts. Sadly with the bounty o'er head, Truck's buddy Jerry gets assassinated (he was a head of state.) That just got Isaac Hayes angry and he turned the whoop ass on 11. Truck Turner's best scene has to go to Yaphet Kotto. He meets up with Truck and loses, Truck dusts a few bullets in him. The end? Not hardly. Kotto's acting skills are on full display in his 5 minute death scene. He falls, pauses, gets up, shuffles, falls near his car, opens the door, gets in and then his noggin hits the steering wheel. Isaac Hayes does nothing to save Kotto. The movie also has a nice sub-plot with Truck Turner, his old lady and a couple of cats.

Note: I'm a big fan of the Truck Turner soundtrack. It wasn't a big hit, it was originally a double album release for Enterprise/Stax Records. At that point Hayes was competing with his prior accomplishments and of course Barry White. The majority of the songs in the movie have different versions on the recordings finished product.

And the Oscar goes to...

21 Jump Street: the Booker Episodes

Thousands of folks united all because they couldn't stand the sight of Dennis Booker.






Grieco, the odd man out in a publicity photo of the cast. The above pic of just one of the vigils that swept the land. Those were heady times; times we thought we could change the world. In all candor, we had to stand up for what was right. But we couldn't agree. Some wanted Johnny Depp’s Hanson to stay on the show. Others wanted Richard Grieco’s “brash” character “Booker” to be a part of the cast. We all knew they couldn’t co-exist. Something have to give. In an embarrassing stratagem for all involved, Richard “Booker” Grieco was shoehorned into the 21 Jump Street cast when it appeared that Johnny Depp’s film career was about to take off. Well, I’ll see that when I believe it.

Anyway, long story short, Depp wasn’t getting tired of being pegged as a “teen idol.” Reportedly the departures of Captain Jenko (Fredrick Forrest) and the exit of co-creator Patrick Hasburgh and the declining quality of the scripts didn’t make Johnny want to hang around too long. This is the thing, he had to. Some say after or during the second season, Depp seemed to lose steam. Enter Richard Grieco. Grieco played a textbook prick called Booker. In fact, seeing the “new kid on the block” Grieco in a scene with a worn out Johnny Depp makes for hilarious TV. Dennis “Booker” hung around the 21 Jump Street set from 1988-89. Believe it or not, Johnny Depp actually stayed on Jump Street until 1990. Booker, a much ballyhooed spin off only lasted from 1989-90.

Things didn’t improve on the 21 Jump Street set either. The whole Grieco/Depp deal was just too much. By 1990 Depp, Peter DeLuise and Dustin Nguyen all hit the bricks. Holly Robinson and Steven Williams were all that remained from the “great” years and they were saddled with cut costs and another Depp derivative actor, Michael Bendetti.


Other Stuff: In a sad attempt to recaputure the glory days, Bendetti was partnered with Michael De Luise. DeLuise played Penhall’s little brother. In 1991 the show was canceled.

More Stuff: The aforementioned vigils ended when it was clear that 21 Jump Street had turned to crap. Oddly enough creators Stephen Cannell and Patrick Hasburgh are reportedly doing a movie version of 21 Jump Street. Yippee...

Pop Culture Idiot Finder

Having this blog has given me the great fortune of meeting some great folks all over the world. I'm glad about it, now everyone knows how munificent I am. Now it's time to pay it forward and help me find these people I call "friend."


Pop Hansen
I'm looking for the gentleman pictured above, Pop Hansen. The last I heard from him, he was shot in his yard for no apparent reason. When he recovered, he suffered a major personality change and began to frighten his family members with his short fuse and his propensity to tumble down the stairs. Although we thought Pop Hansen was out of the woods, he wasn't. The last I heard, he had put his belongings on a stick and was ridin' thumb.

Update: Don't fall for that "Mike Farrell as" part of the pic. They're playing guessing games, they don't want us to find Pop Hansen.


Ask Jeeves: Once a fixture on the net, Jeeves has been keeping a low profile due in part to complaints that his directions lead "nowhere." The notion that's he's "corny" and "totally not real" have also been bandied about. On this score I'm not just asking for you, I'm asking for me. Jeeves was supposed to "come aboard" and work solely for my blog. In response to my e-mail query and contract I got a message that said, "F you" and "Search this." Must have been a mistake, that's not Jeeves...

Update: Elton Jones Found! See, here's something for the doubters. Since I started this blog, readers have implored me to find one person. And we're happy to say, we've found him. Elton Jones. Jones was the tough but fair boss for the kids on Real World: New Orleans. We felt bad we had to say goodbye to the cast mates, even worse when we bid adieu to Elton. His obsequious boss-speak, his line of total BS simply made him gosh darned special. Here's Elton in a recent pic with Miss Virginia Reddy. See, dreams do come true!

In a related story, Melissa from the Real World: New Orleans cast recently stated that she thought a few of the peripheral characters were staged. The main offender? Elton Jones. That's crazy, in fact I think it's Melissa who doesn't exist. What? What? See anything?


And before you think I'm Superman or anything, I didn't do this alone. I did it with the help of my friend, Sherlock Holmes. Serendipity. Sherlock Holmes is the textbook person you think of when trying to find someone. Damned if he's not missing now too...

Hilary Duff's Greatest Hits?

Speechless.




Can you imagine. Sad to say, this isn't a mistake. Despite the new-fangled cover of a slightly more grown up Halie, Kylie, whatever her name is, this is nothing but a rash, premature, hasty compilation to get your money. Well not my money, don't have none but if I was interested, this would totally take up precious time downloading.

Here are the stats. Hilary Duff can't sing. She's only been recording since 2003. And thirdly Hilary Duff can't sing. It was rumored that her older sister Haylie ghosted some of this bunk and or sweetened the vocals. Oh that's rich, chicanery on this piece of pure shat to go along with its dubious existence. Sign me up for two copies please? Yeah right.

You know, the greatest hits deal doesn't always have to be either a barren money making measure or a way to bide time between released. Believe it or not, a greatest hits effort is often deserved. That's a concept. Here's a few good ones...

The O'jays-Collector's Items
This set was released in 1977. In the days of vinyl is the a double album set. This still works well for a variety of reasons. The songs included are great. Collector's Items was also released right in the middle of the group's Philadelphia International hit making run, so there's none of the revisionist history rampant in compiliations like these. Collector's Items was released on CD in 1989--and it's still availible. Of course there's about 20 to 30 comps like this, but this actually sounds like the original vinyl and retains the musical integrity inherent in pure Philly product. Even better? "Family Reunion" is on here. For Sony's 2004 The Essential O'jays it was inexplicably left off. Boneheads.



Al Green-Greatest Hits
Here's a greatest hits spanning only 2 and a half years yet totally working. Well this being Al Green certainly helps the whole deal. What this did was collect some of Green's best moments with such a sure hand that this had the gravity of a regular release. Now that's difficult. It's a must have for people who already have everything on it. Cool cover too. This is the first place where the extended version of "Let's Stay Together" was first heard. In the '90s the Right Stuff offered an extended edition of this including songs like "Livin' For You" and "Belle." That was "aight" but I'd seek out the original release or those early '80s reissues from London and Motown. It's a much tighter set. Try to find Al Green's Greatest Hits II while you're at it. Send one to me, I haven't seen a copy in years.

Tower of Power: What Is Hip: The Tower of Power Anthology
This is an all-time fave. This 1999 2CD set collects the band work for labels like Warners, Columbia and then Columbia again. It spans from 1972 to 1995. Does it ever work. This is one of the few (like, three or four) compilations that included newer tracks that exactly stood tall with the classics. Not everything's here but tracks like "You're Still a Young Man" and "So Very Hard To Go" certainly are. Also includes are great instances of the band's poignancy and swing, "What Happened to the World That Day" and "Can't You See (You're Doin' Me Wrong.) But those aforementioned great newer songs like "I Like Your Style" and "Souled Out" more than achieve TOP's swagger and skill at starting the party like no one else.

Note: I used to love listening to this flat-out drunk. I don't drink anymore and I feel great! Yeah right...

Beethoven-Greatest Hits
Such a necessity and doesn't Greatest Hits sum this up? This whole idea is still heinous, but it's great to hear those original Beethoven sessions...

Bob Dole, Sam Moore: The Doomed Campaign

The Bad Candidate







Dole/Kemp: Not Enough and Way Too Much. Those were the days: Clinton vs Dole, two candidates, one having zero chance of getting elected. None of this 51/49 stuff we get today. The year was 1996, America was thinking of making a change. Bill Clinton had been president for 20 odd years. It was time for some new blood and it came from a teenage idol, Bob Dole.

Make no mistake, Republican candidates didn't want to take a "beating" from Clinton. Really, who wants an old-time spanking. Certainly election day goes and comes, but it's on our permanent record, when those votes don't add up--it's lonely time. Undaunted Dole mounted his campaign. Jack Kemp (the ice cream magnate) signed on as Wannabee Vice pres. Who are we kidding, there was one man who was the motor in the Dole Dream Machine, that man? Sam Moore.


We got to know Moore during the '60s as one half of Sam and Dave. The Stax recording artists took the world by storm with hits like "Soul Man," "Hold on I'm Coming" and a few others I can't think of. By 1996, whatever Sam said goes. What did he say? It's simple; "I'm a Dole Man." It's quite fetching on the face of it--and that's what Moore was. Often singing at Dole campaign rallies Moore did indeed change the title of his classic, "Soul Man" to "I'm a Dole Man." I don't find it gauche at all. Also fans were also treated to Moore's textbook opened throat cries singing "Dole Kemp, Dole Kemp" like a man possessed. Alas, it wasn't enough. The public said "no thanks" and told Clinton/Gore to say put. Wow, "stay put" I haven't heard or thought of that one in years...


Moore attempting to break Dole's fall...

The Tale of the Two Mr. Wilsons

While Dennis is bird-calling, Mr. Wilson steals a glance at the Mitchell's having sex.










Fun... When I started this blog in 1503, I made it my pledge to only discuss the important issues. In my travels I’ve found that folks can indeed talk about the two Darrin’s, cousin Cindy, yet one talks about the obvious, the Two Mr. Wilsons.

For my money, Dennis the Menace was a classic ensemble piece, the progenitor for critically lauded shows like Cheers, Taxi and Fame. The cast members on DTB worked like a Swiss Clock, impeccable timing and the skills to bring to the table. The chemistry between Dennis and Mr. Wilson is what people most remembers. Joseph Kearns (J.K.) played the role with much gusto. We all had a “Mr. Wilson” in our neighborhood, the nasal, nosy, fussbudget. Although he was an irritant, he taunted as with love. The writers of Dennis the Menace treated the audience with respect, especially on that “special episode” where Mr. Wilson comes up to his last straw and “accidentally” shoots Dennis.

Than tragedy struck as we lost Joseph Kearns. Rather than dealing Dennis and his friend Tommy a big blow, it was explained that George Wilson went to Ohio or as I pronounce it, "Ohias." His brother, John Wilson was there to take over things. His brother was of course played by character actor/ textbook nag Gale Gordon. First off, eerily similarities between those two huh? Twins doesn't really cover those mirror images. Sadly the relationship between Dennis and a Mr. Wilson greatly suffered. Gordon’s Wilson had a disdain that took on a decidedly menacing and a wee bit shrewish tone. That TV Guide cover pic is as good as it got--and that's not that good at all.


Dennis writing a hitman a check to make Mr. Wilson go "bye-bye."

Rafael Palmeiro: My Favorite Pitchman

Oh, Palmeiro and steroids, big shocker huh. I knew there was something to the 1,426 home runs he hit that one year. Although I'm not worried about Palmeiro's playing career, his shot at getting into Cooperstown, I'm most concerned about his status as a pitchman. On the local front, Palmeiro had maintained a calm, reassuring and steady presence as the face of the Slomin Shield. The Slomin Shield of course is a burgular alarm system. Day after day we saw Raffy with his winning smile posing near the SS sign. It made us feel real good. Sadly it seems the lies might have even started there. The commercial found Palmeiro traisping around a fully furnished home, like he owned the place. He didn't. It wasn't his house after all. And guess what? The house where the commercial was set wasn't even "sealed" with the Slomin Shield. Strike 15!


To national audiences, Raffy is the face of wong malfunction. His Viagra spots are at once hilarious and unsettling. Of course the cynical among us had scads of questions and wondered why he'd need Viagra. We also thought about his poor wife sharing her life with someone who had such public problems with his ding-ding. Sadly in light of Palmeiro's recent woes, we've uncovered the fact that steroids causes erectile (erectal) dysfunction. Let's all say it together now; "Idiot!"


In light of recent events, Palmeiro's status as the pitchman for Dr. Kaplan's Boom Boom Wipes is on hold indefinately.

Five Siblings Sue 'Extreme Makeover...Yeah

The Leomiti/Higgins family...










Scatman Crothers says: "If I was a lawyer I'd throw that suitcase out the window..."


Scatman Crothers's legal advice aside, this case is a mess. Just when I was telling my readers to “give me the good stuff,” I got hoodwinked and crammed with a whole lot o’ bad. You know what I’m talking about, the recent lawsuit involving a family features on Extreme Makeover. When I first saw the news story, I was thinking it was some pissed off sisters whining about their unneeded cheek implants and Beverly Hills face. To be honest, that was a fleeting thought, I knew what was really catching legal fire, “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.”

This lawsuit involves the blended Leomiti and Higgins family. Long story made real short. The Leomiti’s and Higgins’s met in church. The Higgins kids, ranging in age from 14 to 21 unfortunately lost both of their parents in a short time. The Leomiti’s invited the Higgins kids to live with them. If anyone remembers the episode, the living quarters were totally cramped. Enter the Home Edition team. This was the show where Ty was doing some of the “calls/squalls” of some sort. Ty was also hoisted in the air and or tackled with joy. Yeah, that episode…


Of course with all of the tears, nail pounding and the display of the finished product, it’s tough to remember what exactly was done for the Leomiti’s/Higgins families. Then again, maybe not. The team gave all of the Higgins kids cars, computers, a ton of stuff. But even as the show aired, problems were on the horizon. According to the Higgins kids’ lawyers, the Leomiti’s allegedly treated the kids in a bad fashion. And by the time the show aired, all of the Higgins's cleared out of the Leomiti’s home and lived with friends. The Higgins’s are suing the Leomiti’s and ABC. Why? Because "they say" a contract stated that the Higgins’s were to get their own house. The case is still pending...

Wilmer Valderrama's Greatest Hits

His hat gets more action than me...



I just have to talk about this. Seems like Wilmer Valderrama's a ladies man. In my opinion, ladies crazy. Certainly being an actor in Hollywood gives morons like Wilmer certain perks, but this is ridiculous. I had to investigate and give folks some info on some of the women Wilmer's shared time with. Disclaimer: I'm a 36 year old, bitter, bitter man posting in his bathrobe. Earlier I was searching for never-was girlfriends on the net hoping for a reunion that would make Richard Thomas cry on Oprah. No such luck. Here's my take on the women involved in this doggone shame.


Mandy Moore- She was probably the best of the lot. Although my "enthusiasm" for her dampened after seeing pics of her before and after nose; she does seem like an interesting young lady. I am getting older, I referred to Moore as a "young lady." I said "referred" too. Drat!








Michelle Trachtenberg- Well, well, well. She's very attractive. Of course too young for me, I've got Playboy's 10 years older than her. Still, very attractive. Can't find too much info on their union but there seems to be some loose talk about her being yet another woman Wilmer's had "relations" with. Can it get any worse? Next Wilmer will time travel back into my high school and sleep with those chicks too. I'll be somewhere looking like a jerk, playing Prince and sobbing in the corner. Oh yeah, I did that already.

Jessica Alba- This wasn't too ballyhooed but Alba and Wilmer were reportedly dating a while back. It's all over now, there's no chance of Wilmer becoming Wilmer Alba. Oddly enough, there was this Love-O-Meter where jerks like me could compare "bio-rhythms" to those who are famous. My bio-rhythms didn't jibe with Alba's one bit. And strangely, as attractive as she is--she doesn't hit my ol' "fantasy file" that often. Looks/seems like a pain. From the looks of that pic, it might be worth it though.

Lindsay Lohan- Now I was expecting big things from the Lohan/Wilmer union. I was expecting a wedding invite so I could sing, Freddie Jackson's "You Are My Lady" as Lohan came down the aisle with Wilmer boo-hooing. No suck luck. One might say that Lohan's looks peaked before and or during his relationship with Fez. Shortly before she was "famous famous" Lohan was really, really attractive. In fact she still is--away from that makeup she paints on like so much Dutch Boy. This union gave my tum-tum got a workout when Lindsay described waking up to/with Valderrama. Good lord a' mighties....

Jennifer Love Hewitt- This was another "storybook" cajoining that went kabloowee shortly before the 2000 New Year's Rocking Eve ball came crashing down towards Dick Clark's head. For me, despite her good looks, Hewitt's always seemed a little rigid and safe.










Ashlee Simpson- This is the latest one. Of course, so far there's no "dating" conformation but they are hanging around as "friends." Actually I think Ashlee is very attractive, in a longer-lasting way than her sister, Jessica Simpson. Speaking of her, Jessica's face looks tighter than Fire Marshall Bill's these days. She needs to lay off whatever she's doing. As for Ashlee and Wilmer--not too certain. I bet Papa Joe wants her to date some barely-there, swarmy singer, a Nick Lachey, but with a guitar or something. You know, "good for business."

Jessica Tandy- I was surprised when Wilmer hooked up with Tandy in the late '90s. There's wasn't too much chance between them-- you know, Hume Cronyn and all...