Monday, August 15, 2005

Rafael Palmeiro: My Favorite Pitchman

Oh, Palmeiro and steroids, big shocker huh. I knew there was something to the 1,426 home runs he hit that one year. Although I'm not worried about Palmeiro's playing career, his shot at getting into Cooperstown, I'm most concerned about his status as a pitchman. On the local front, Palmeiro had maintained a calm, reassuring and steady presence as the face of the Slomin Shield. The Slomin Shield of course is a burgular alarm system. Day after day we saw Raffy with his winning smile posing near the SS sign. It made us feel real good. Sadly it seems the lies might have even started there. The commercial found Palmeiro traisping around a fully furnished home, like he owned the place. He didn't. It wasn't his house after all. And guess what? The house where the commercial was set wasn't even "sealed" with the Slomin Shield. Strike 15!

To national audiences, Raffy is the face of wong malfunction. His Viagra spots are at once hilarious and unsettling. Of course the cynical among us had scads of questions and wondered why he'd need Viagra. We also thought about his poor wife sharing her life with someone who had such public problems with his ding-ding. Sadly in light of Palmeiro's recent woes, we've uncovered the fact that steroids causes erectile (erectal) dysfunction. Let's all say it together now; "Idiot!"

In light of recent events, Palmeiro's status as the pitchman for Dr. Kaplan's Boom Boom Wipes is on hold indefinately.
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