Thursday, August 11, 2005

Wilmer Valderrama's Greatest Hits

His hat gets more action than me...

I just have to talk about this. Seems like Wilmer Valderrama's a ladies man. In my opinion, ladies crazy. Certainly being an actor in Hollywood gives morons like Wilmer certain perks, but this is ridiculous. I had to investigate and give folks some info on some of the women Wilmer's shared time with. Disclaimer: I'm a 36 year old, bitter, bitter man posting in his bathrobe. Earlier I was searching for never-was girlfriends on the net hoping for a reunion that would make Richard Thomas cry on Oprah. No such luck. Here's my take on the women involved in this doggone shame.

Mandy Moore- She was probably the best of the lot. Although my "enthusiasm" for her dampened after seeing pics of her before and after nose; she does seem like an interesting young lady. I am getting older, I referred to Moore as a "young lady." I said "referred" too. Drat!

Michelle Trachtenberg- Well, well, well. She's very attractive. Of course too young for me, I've got Playboy's 10 years older than her. Still, very attractive. Can't find too much info on their union but there seems to be some loose talk about her being yet another woman Wilmer's had "relations" with. Can it get any worse? Next Wilmer will time travel back into my high school and sleep with those chicks too. I'll be somewhere looking like a jerk, playing Prince and sobbing in the corner. Oh yeah, I did that already.

Jessica Alba- This wasn't too ballyhooed but Alba and Wilmer were reportedly dating a while back. It's all over now, there's no chance of Wilmer becoming Wilmer Alba. Oddly enough, there was this Love-O-Meter where jerks like me could compare "bio-rhythms" to those who are famous. My bio-rhythms didn't jibe with Alba's one bit. And strangely, as attractive as she is--she doesn't hit my ol' "fantasy file" that often. Looks/seems like a pain. From the looks of that pic, it might be worth it though.

Lindsay Lohan- Now I was expecting big things from the Lohan/Wilmer union. I was expecting a wedding invite so I could sing, Freddie Jackson's "You Are My Lady" as Lohan came down the aisle with Wilmer boo-hooing. No suck luck. One might say that Lohan's looks peaked before and or during his relationship with Fez. Shortly before she was "famous famous" Lohan was really, really attractive. In fact she still is--away from that makeup she paints on like so much Dutch Boy. This union gave my tum-tum got a workout when Lindsay described waking up to/with Valderrama. Good lord a' mighties....

Jennifer Love Hewitt- This was another "storybook" cajoining that went kabloowee shortly before the 2000 New Year's Rocking Eve ball came crashing down towards Dick Clark's head. For me, despite her good looks, Hewitt's always seemed a little rigid and safe.

Ashlee Simpson- This is the latest one. Of course, so far there's no "dating" conformation but they are hanging around as "friends." Actually I think Ashlee is very attractive, in a longer-lasting way than her sister, Jessica Simpson. Speaking of her, Jessica's face looks tighter than Fire Marshall Bill's these days. She needs to lay off whatever she's doing. As for Ashlee and Wilmer--not too certain. I bet Papa Joe wants her to date some barely-there, swarmy singer, a Nick Lachey, but with a guitar or something. You know, "good for business."

Jessica Tandy- I was surprised when Wilmer hooked up with Tandy in the late '90s. There's wasn't too much chance between them-- you know, Hume Cronyn and all...
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