Cringe-Worthy Cast Additions

You know, I hate when show's add new characters. Most of the time they aren't needed and fail miserably. But then again, that is kind of fun, especially when they help a show off the air. Here's a few "classics."



Paul "Show Killer" Falsone- Homicide: Life on the Street. I'm from Maryland so I'm still pissed about this. Long story short, NBC did a surfeit of meddling on it's much-loved though low rated crime drama. Jon Seda as Paul Falsone is the mascot, the hood ornament, the weather vane of the show's painful and steady decline. When Falsone breezed into the squad room as a hotshot detective a season before becoming a regular, that was all she wrote. Show over.


Laura Ballard-Homicide: Life on the Street- Yes, Ballard was just what the show needed. A cutesy, so intelligent detective from Seattle. It makes you forget all about Melissa Leo as Kay Howard. Not really. In fact the Ballard character seemed to be another NBC machination to lure in viewers. I didn't work. What's worse? After dating an increasingly weird and zen Tim Bayliss, Ballard was paired with Falsone. Thrillin'!

The Biggest Crime: Callie Thorne is a really good actress--and she was stuck with one of the worst roles I've ever seen.



Reagan Gilancy-The Division-During the last season when Nancy McKeon was on maternity leave or something, Downey appeared in a few episodes. As a fan of the show, Lisa Vidal, I had to suffer through full throttle Taraji Henson, Jon Hamm, an insane turnover of the secondary cast and Roma Downey. It was just too much, Reagan Gilancy was too much!






Robert Downey JR.- Larry Paul- Ally McBeal- Cast addition/subtraction causes Colletral Damage- Everybody remembers Larry on Ally McBeal as played by the talented Robert Downey Jr. In fact people stop me on the street wanting to talk about Larry Paul. I tell them Larry's not real, pick their pockets and then run away. Downey's travails during the 4th season of the show are well-known. In his absence during the fifth and final season? A ton of new folks including Josh Hopkins, Regina Hall, James Marsden, you know, folks I don't plan on talking about ever again?




John Sutton-Chicago Hope- Now you see him, now you don't. A lot happened on Chicago Hope. Mandy Patinkin gave us our first dose of his patented crazy. During one of the later seasons, David E. Kelley sent a half-dozen fine folks out the exit door. The most weird thing happened a bit earlier. Dr. Jack Sutton as played by Jamey Sheridan. Sheridan was enlisted to in effect help replace the gone Patinkin. It didn't work. Sutton was ill-defined and he was replaced by a better character, Jack McNeil played by Mark Harmon.




In a shocking twist of fate Jethro Gibbs "did away" with John Sutton, Reagan Gilancy and Beau from Welcome Back Kotter. Job well done, Colonel.

Gary Collins Arrested

You've got to love that title, but it's the truth. Those who like law-abiding citizens can scratch off TV host Gary Collins off the list of "do-gooders." Earlier this week Collins was arrested in LA for drunken driving. Collins was collared after being involved in an accident. Reports say that Gary was traveling around and was in a fender-bender at 60 miles per hour. His 1895 Ford Explorer was able to hit a few cars. Gary's "crazy" driving alerted police. They then searched his car and found a crack pipe, crack paraphernalia and oddly enough, crack. They also found some
"suspicious" shoes that Collins was wearing in the photo on the left.




*Warning, parental advisory recommended...* Those sickened by the youth and the way they treat"the law" would do well not looking. Collins decided to play a cat and mouse game pretending to be too stiff to fit into the paddy wagon. The police didn't have time for that foolishness and had to clobber him on the noggin and slid him in the backseat expeditiously.



Gary Collins before he became that "lost person."

Pop Culture Idiot: Presidential Endorsements

During this election year (well next year) I'm pleased to be an American. Being an American with a diary gives me the power to have a candidate I like. It's a big field out there and thankfully I've got time to think about it. Here's a few of my frontrunners--so far...

John Anderson- Now my people have been speaking highly of Anderson. Someone told me that he ran almost 30 years ago but that's just bad intelligence. John Anderson is the candidate of today!







Little Richard- Everyone loves Little Richard and oddly enough Little Richard loves America. You should have heard him crying for his native country when he was over in Englands back in the remember whens. See, he was on a religious trip and people were begging for him to sing the devil's music. Little Richard acquiesced and the rest is history. I'm assuming he's a blue dog Democrat, tough but fair.







An Old Refrigerator in the Woods-Really, I get excited when I think of the good work this would do as commander-in-chief. The big bonus? It didn't get us into war. Thumbs up...




Anonymous late '90s, early '00's GI Joe: That's his given name. I've been a sergeant for many GI Joe armies and this recruit is by far the best. His maturity makes up for his freakishly short stature. He's a real decider and he's equipped with firepower to kill space aliens (see gun.)

The Downside: A small scar on his face,the faint sound of "broken stuff" when he's "rattled" and plastic eyebrows.

My Non Favorite, Favorite Commercial Spokespersons

Oddly enough these commercials from yore haunt me. Incontinence, popcorn and ex-jocks with bad knees, oh the humanity!



Orville Redenbacher-They don't know what to do with Orville do they? We lost Orville a while back but that's not stopping him being spliced into new commercials. That's dear. There was also a cringe-worthy and pants filling spot that had a zombie/animated Orville with an MP3 player. Hee hee, funny...






Zombie-fied Orville, now that's frightening...








Everybody Loves Wilford Brimley. What's not to love? While he's become a punch line, an easy joke, I want to celebrate his persuasive nature as a commercial spokesman. Coming to prominence in the late '80s with his Quaker Oats spots, Brimley was the rare celebrity that cared about America's bowel functions







We know who this is, Joe Namath. During his career as a jock, sportscaster and personality, Namath has had some great commercials including Noxema, Dingo and Texaco. Perhaps none are greater than his spots for Flex-All. Clearly a magical cream, the healing properties in the analgesic had Namath
feeling renewed. The inherent corniness of the commercial had Namath ending a spot with, "...I just might ask for my old job back."


Update: I don't know what Joe Namath is looking at in that pic and I don't want to know...


Billy Dee Williams- Back in the '70s and '80s Williams was ubiquitous flaunting the good life via one of the shittiest drinks known to man. In all honesty, Colt 45, will make you hurt yourself or somebody. Sadly after this commercial was made, Williams drowned 15 Colt 45's, said a bunch of nasty things to the crew, flew to Maryland and choked me for no apparent reason.



June Allyson/Depend- "...You can Depend me... We lost June Allyson a while back but her dedication to people and their urine flow with live on. Allyson actually helped to give Depend the boost it needed by admitting that folks pee pee a lot and sometimes not on purpose. That's something that folks like me and Wilford Brimley are really thankful for.

Danny Bonaduce VS. Jonny Fairplay: A Review

I got a sad report from the front lines. Non-entity and Survivor liar Jonny Fairplay and the legendary Danny Bonaduce had a fight in front of company. I was sickened--if sickened means laughing my fool head off.


Pop Culture Idiot Play by Play: Danny Bonaduce seemed to be "tore up" when he appeared on stage. He was wearing an ensemble that was vaguely like the faux country garb that swept the country in the early '80s. Anyway, Jonny Fairplay was dying a clown's death up there, Danny said something in the mike, walked away--Fairplay called him and jumped on him. Danny pulled a Reuben Kincaid and flipped him over his head. Jonny landed on the floor face first.

The Good News: Jonny landed on the floor face first.


Note: Don't take me word for it, below are some pictures that illustrate the horror and why Jonny ran offstage like a punk and subsequently had to endure 3 1/2 hours of root canal/dentistry/teeth stuff...


This is how Fox framed the issue during a telephone conversation with Bonaduce.






There we see exactly what Fairplay did. You can't lie about it, there it is--I'm going to be sick...






"I'm gonna teach you how to body slam/Hit me!"

Who knew that 1982 classic from Bootsy Collins would be so apropos, poetic if you will. Bonaduce had enuf and shook Fairplay off. That fool lost a few teeth too. Danny wasn't charged in this distressing matter that's brought America that much closer.

Asinine Commercials

I'm beginning to wish we could do without commercials at together, or at least bring back the smoking ones, they were fun!


Cymbalta- Call me crazy, but I don't like the bad press depression has been getting lately. It's not like its Britney Spears or anything. Depression has fueled art and it has stopped people from being too happy. Those are pluses in my book. Cymbalta makes depression seem so draggy. I'm actually offended.






Chandra Wilson-Folgers- They're playing this commercial way too much. Folgers has launched a famous people campaign and actress Chandra Wilson is the first commercial to appear. It's all about Wilson getting those 5 minutes of alone time, with Folgers. I'm pretty much down to selling my action figures for "spending change" but I can blast it past Folgers. And really, Folgers hasn't been good for 25 years...


Isaiah Washington likes coffee too...








Dean Martin Roasts- Can you imagine? I'm not a night person, get kind of "out of it" so to speak? The last thing I want to see is an informal featuring a cavalcade of performers laughing and having fun. The worst part? I wasn't invited to any of these soirées.





For the seemingly endless infomercial, Tim Conway is the "host" of this shebang. I do think it's over the top seeing the talented Conway cart out lowbrow humor like Dorf when discussing roasts that just might have Monty Allen and Rip Taylor in attendance.







This infomercial/commercial is the worst. The folks at Time-Life have given us Soft Rock, a collection of mellow hits from the '70s and '80s. The hosts for this horror show are Air Supply. To be honest, I only liked one of their songs, "Lost in Love" and that's it. And when you get down to it, the ascension of these guys coincided with the decline of great soft rock. Coincidence? I think not...


Part 2: These guys look so relaxed. And look, they've got some nice lemonade too in case you'd like to "fall by." I'd like to dunk it over both their heads and take that guitar and smash it into little bits.


Youthful Essence- If I'm not seeing Jules Asner and Victoria Principal driving a semi for whatever goo their selling, I see Susan Lucci's hooey. This a still from this recent genre classic. Pictured is Eden Riegel and Alicia Minshew. All I have to say is thank god for this miracle elixir, those two are ancient.