TV Junk n' Woes

Oh hi. My social life has been brought to a standstill. Seems like women don't like to date men "with records" like they used to. I'll say it again, I served my time and yes, I did go in for espionage or "espionagy." Here's a few of the trainwrecks I've been catching up on...



Scott Baio is 45 and Single- You know, I was ready to laugh at the very premise of this show. Oddly enough I didn't. Scott Baio is an interesting guy. Despite all of the past problems, including a short-lived and problematic stint as this blog's editor, he's a heck of a guy.

His Problem: Can't have a show without one. Baio wants to settle down and with help from a life coach, he's going to find out why he's such a Lousy Boyfriend.Of course there's obstacles. In particular a friend of Scott, Johnny V, acting like an evil George Costanza, hovers around trying to get Baio's castoffs. There's a friend.


Hey Paula. Paula Abdul presents a problem. She's like walking art. Attractive one minute, thoroughly hideous and tear-inducing the next. Given her ol' funny moods, it's a shock that she was approached to do a reality show--and that one of her personalities actually said yes. That was great news. She's totally entertaining and frankly I like seeing people cry.


Here's a still from one of her many meltdowns. I think it's delightful.







American Idol Rewind- I find this fascinating. This shows up on the weekends and it pretty much like one of those endless loop 8 tracks. In its relatively short time on the air, American Idol Rewind covers the first season to nauseating effect. So far, that's it. What's worse? The same clips are shown over and over.



This show lets us see Young Kelly Clarkson when she was cute, the girl-next-door and not so loud and "depressing." Without fear of reprisal, I'll say I liked this version of Kelly Clarkson much better. She was a good R&B/pop singer.




Campbell Brown Leaves NBC- In all honesty, I took this hard. Campbell is one of the 2 or 3 newscasters I can stand and she's leaving NBC for CNN. In her selfish pursuit to further her career she's also leaving Lester Holt and Today's weekend broadcast.



One last look...

Postscript: After thinking about Campbell's exit and Lester Holt being on his lonesome, I rared by head back and projectile vomited.

Drew Carey: The New Host of the Price is Right

This is a day that will live in infamy. Although I'm no fan of Bob Barker, I was left so stunned by the news of the Drew Carey Show being the host--I hurled. Carey seems to be a reasonable person. Doesn't he know about the Price is Right curse? Surely Barker's sadly truncated run of 35 years should have been a cautionary tale. Being the greedy gus he is, Drew through caution to the wind and sign on the dotted line. He also signed his life away. Hoo hah hah hah...

Reasons Drew Carey Shouldn't Do It...

Too Young: At 49, he's roughly 50 years younger than when Barker became host in 1829. You'll never have the sage experience of a Bob Barker, someone who called the electricity "a passing fad."

No Lawsuits: Despite his grandfatherly appearance, Barker has been no stranger to the court system. Most notably former Barker Beauties Dian Parkinson and Holly Hallstrom attempted to give Bob the justice he deserves. He so far has alluded justice.

Carey's Career Will Grind To A Halt: You see what happened with Barker. His career as a song and dance man was sacrificed for his time on the Price as Right. With Carey locked away on that set of horrors, he'll know doubt become an even bigger creep than the man he replaced.

There's just no words...








In related news, Ian Ziering was in the running to be host and just missed...

You Played Who?: Biopics Hits and Misses

I'm very picky when it comes to who plays who in biographical films. Sometimes the casting is right, other times...



Val Kilmer/Jim Morrison- Looking at them side by side they aren't dead ringers, but Kilmer captured Morrison's energy. That's no small feat. Tons of rock singers have been trying and very few come within striking distance. In Oliver Stone's 1991 film The Doors, Kilmer basically made Morrison less of a prick and that in itself is just great.

****

Leon/David Ruffin- David Ruffin is one of my favorite singers and boy did he ever get the once-over in that 1998 TV-movie, The Temptations. Portrayed as arrogant, desperate and unlikable, Leon had the task of basically bringing Ruffin back to life. It was good not great. Leon certainly captured Ruffin's anger and general oddness, but not his intelligence. In fact he made Ruffin seem a bit "dumb" and listening to the genuine article or listening to him speak, he was anything but "dim."

***

Brad Garrett/Jackie Gleason- Although Garrett earned some raves for his 2002 portrayal of Jackie Gleason, I just couldn't buy it. I found the film extremely depressing and just not worth the time. On an odder note, since Garrett is so tall and Gleason wasn't, the sets had to be constructed to make Garrett not seem like Gigantor opposite his normal, life-sized cast mates.

**

Mark Addy was supposed to play Jackie Gleason in Gleason but had to drop out.








Justine Waddell/Natalie Wood- It's not like I still have a crush on Natalie Wood or anything (yeah right) but this was ridiculous. I can't imagine, really. Wood was a nonpareil entity and for the sake of brevity, Waddell didn't capture anything reminiscent of her. It's not her fault really...


**


There's the original, it's not close at all.












Joe Mantegna,/Dean Martin. Not quite. Mantegna played Dean Martin in 1998's dreadful HBO film, the Rat Pack. It's was misfires abound, especially Ray Liotta as Frank Sinatra. Mantegna gave him a run for his money. Playing Dean a bit as stolid and oddly doltish, the film ignored the fact that Martin was kind of, well, cool.

Part 2: The best Dean Martin portrayal was probably Tom Hanks on an SNL skit. Hilarious and spot on...

Mandy Patinkin: Gone Again

<--Intense n' Scary

I heard some distressing news about Mandy "Jeffrey Geiger" Patinkin. It seems that Patinkin was playing a game of hide and seek with CBS it ended with Mandy giving up his another role as a twitchy, potentially annoying, super intelligent guy. Here's what me and my team have uncovered.


Here Is What CBS Had to Say: They thanked him for him helping to make Criminal Minds what it is, and they wished him luck in the future. If that's not sincere than I don't know what is.


Here's what Patinkin said: Thanks for cutting me loose, I'm tired of this shit anyway.


The 99%Truth: Mandy actually called me and asked if he should leave. I said no and these are the reasons why...

Paget Brewster- By leaving Criminal Minds, Mandy won't be able to work with the lovely Paget Brewster. Oh no, she just got there (begins to sob).







Shemar Moore- Patinkin will be forfeiting a wonderful friendship with Shemar. "I don't want to leave Shemar," Mandy told me as he began to sob and then let out a wailing cry. I said, "Don't leave then fool." He hung up on me...








Thomas Gibson/Hanging Out With the Boys- Yet another thing that loser Mandy is going to miss out on. Patinkin also is leaving Thomas Gibson for the second time. How could he?!?

Kind of Watching It DVD's: The Ballad of Andy Crocker

You'd think I didn't have any social life and just spent time watching DVD's. You're right! I was glad my laziness brought me this gem of a movie. 1969's The Ballad of Andy Crocker stars Lee Majors as a Vietnam Vet coming back in the world and seeing everything had changed. Well it wouldn't be any fun if everything went right, would it? After his friend David (Marvin Gaye) said goodbye to him at the airport, viewers saw how insanely f'ed up Andy's life had become.


This was a gripping tale as Lee Majors stole a hippies motorcycle to go back to Texas to see his dad (Pat Hingle) and his girlfriend (Joey Heatherton). His girlfriend married someone else, she's only wanted him to be a back door man. It was an offer Andy wasn't too proud to consider. Even better, Andy's bike shop turned to ruins and his dad (Pat Hingle) wasn't making life any easier for him.


<--- Acting!!! David was supposed to help Andy but he couldn't do anything for him. In the movie's last scene Andy gave up his place on David's couch and went walking in the night. Where did he go? To the local army office to reenlist. He's going back to war. Thanks David!

Notes: This was an ABC telefilm produced by Aaron Spelling and Danny Thomas. It was supposed to be a series pilot but it didn't take. Singer Marvin Gaye always had acting aspirations but if this was his "reel" he was much better off singing. Sadly he was incapable of approximating normal human behavior. In even more odd news, Peter Haskell played a hippie in this.

Rating **

Kind of Watching It DVD's: Mahogany

The good news! I finally watched Mahogany. It wasn't a hardship, it's one of my favorites.


Diana Ross played Tracy Chambers, a secretary working at a fashion house in Chicago. Chambers also was a fledgling designer. She became a "model" when Sean McAvoy (Anthony Perkins) spotted her and was dumbstruck with Chambers's odd beauty. Also in Tracey's orbit at this time was the idealistic Brian Walker (Billy Dee Williams) who was running for alderman.

Williams and Ross had a nice chemistry despite the fact that Brian was a total jackass/cad. McAvoy wanted Ross to work, go to Rome to strut her stuff. She left after Billy Dee said some particularly dismissive comments. I went back in time and delivered a sound pimp slap. Tracy certainly kept busy over in Rome, England or wherever it is. She even had love scene with Sean that ended rather abruptly.


After Brian lost his campaign he magically appeared in Rome. It was too much for him. Tracy had changed. He saw the freaky parties and after a gun tussle with gun collector Sean (yeah that lunatic) he had to split. In a classic scene, Mahogany/Tracy danced around and poured hot candle wax on herself. The morning after, Brian and Tracy got into it and he did give her some parting words, "Success is nothing without someone you love to share it with." Bullshit...

As time went on Sean got even more annoying and Tracey got in cahoots with some French smoothie (Jean-Pierre Aumont.) He bought some wreck of a dress she made herself. She eventually lived with that guy too. And oh yeah, Crazy Sean got killed playing games in his car. Tracy did her healing up over at that French dude's house.

He of course expected to get his "propers" too especially after he set her up in some nice digs. It was no to be. Tracey was still jonesing for Billy Dee Williams and gleefully went back to the rubble n' stuff to be with him. The end was so dramatic, I got choked up and stuff...


Rating: ***1/2