People I Didn't Know Were Actually Real

Dear Diary, I feel so foolish, I thought a lot of these folks were fig newtons of someone's imagination. Imagine my shock when I found out some were real and some even IM'd me on Yahoo!


Milton Bradley- All these years I thought Milton Bradley was the name of a corporate merger, turns out he actually existed. Bradley was a crafty guy, a real go-getter and had a game called, The Checkered Way of Life. Wow, so exciting! Sadly we lost Milton in 1999 at the tender age of 153.







Duncan Hines- This dude was an actual person too. He was grader of restaurants and stuff. Isn't that exciting! His name became synonymous with "good eatin'" and like the money grubbing whore he was, he sold his name as a seal of approval.

My Shame: I'm so disappointed that Duncan Hines had nothing to do with the brownies that bare his name, not even the chewy kind. Duncan Hines is a liar and a cheat!




The Parker Brothers- Everyone remembers the Parker Brothers. Their string of hits is legendary. Oh, wrong Parker Brothers. Believe it or not, these guys are real too. The business for these guys came to include three Parker Brothers. By the end of the run, Eldra, Tito and Donny had signed on too. The Parkers sold out to General Mills (what?) in the early '60s and has subsequently kicked around to different companies.


Part 2: I'm tremendously boring...


Spoiler Alert!

Betty Crocker Isn't Real- Ain't that a shame? I've always thought that Betty Crocker was a great gal. Little did I know that she was simply a contrivance designed to fool the public. Not fair!

Update: I found a some pics of Betty Crocker. She looks real to me...



Aunt Jemima-Oddly enough, when I think about it, I'm still not sanguine about there being an "Aunt Jemima" in the pop culture universe. While time and a few changes have made it very idea less offensive, it has a dreadful beginning. Despite the wishes of many, Aunt Jemima wasn't a real lady. That wasn't good enough however. Throughout the years, women were enlisted to be "Aunt Jemima" for personal appearances. I'm getting queasy now...


Casper is real and owes me $5.00

Tyra Banks /Steve Wilkos: Fresh Hell

The Tyra Banks Show- **

Banks decided to move her show from California to New York. We don't know what prompted this move, but I'm saddened that Banks and her phoniness is that much closer to me. The show itself hasn't changed, but it seems that she has. Regressing to frightening levels, it looks like Tyra thinks more whining, idiotic facial expressions and "comedy" will make someone this she's normal. Nothing doing, she's insane.

Part 15: I caught a few of those America Top Model marathons and it seems that Tyra has specific issues with women who look a bit like her or look better than her. Banks also loves to hack off contestants hair and give them a played-out style all in the name of "modeling." Hello, Passive-Agression, Tyra's on line one...


The Steve Wilkos Show- **1/2 (the half is for hoping that there's a very special episode that puts someone in traction.)

It was only a matter of time before this bonehead got his own show. You might recognize this guy as a bouncer for the Jerry Springer Show. As the years went on they'd do little segments with Wilkos and left to "explore other opportunties." In short, a shitty show with his name on it. There's nothing much to report here, this is a low-grade, shaved down IQ points version of the mercifully cancelled, Dr. Keith Ablow Show. From the outset, Wilkos was already roughing up a guest. Good going...




Given his lightened workload, I'm in discussions (talks) to have Dr. Keith Ablow come over here and "help out." I can't wait to get started!

Random Whining

Nice New Set, Declining Show- I had to watch Whoopi Goldberg's first week on the View. You know, I kind of enjoyed. The good will is probably tenuous at best, but it was nice seeing Barbara Walters alert. Believe it or not, she didn't work in a Harry Reasoner reference. As for Goldberg, I'm surprised she's doing this. She can be a really good actress so why in the heck is she here?





According to reports Sherri Shepherd is going to be a new co-host. Look, there's a pic of Meredith Vieira (Jason chokes back a sob...)








Clearly not everyone was happy. Professional complainer Rosie O' Donnell had to run and do a "blog" with clearly obsequious buddies. I can't believe she was talking about the set changes--like that dark blue she chose wasn't mind-numbing and depressing. They sure look happy. Just think, if Rosie hadn't of blown her stack, they'd all still be on TV instead of whining to chuckleheads like me. Oh the pain...



I implicitly asked my street team never to bring me a bad report on El DeBarge. What did they do? They gleefully got a stork to deliver the surprising news that El (one of my favorite singers) was arrested on drug and battery charges. At first I wondered what kind of battery gets you arrested? Ray-o-Vac? Eveready? Than I realized El was trying to put a smackdown on his intended. I'm going to be queasy, not El?!?

Part 2: I don't care if you're a man or woman, to see El DeBarge coming at you and swinging has got to be surreal.



WTF? This is that guy Mystery from Vh1's The Pick Up Artist. He plays coach to a sack of losers who have trouble with women. My application must have been lost in the mail. In any event, this guy (with a couple of total dweebs) give the even more clueless, Dr.Mesmer-like bar and coffee house tricks to exactly get a conversation that doesn't include, "I'm flattered, but" or "I'm sorry, see ya!"

Part 202,404- All of Mystery's card games and quasi magic tricks still don't explain why women still line up for morons like him and the one below...


Sad to say Flav is going further besmirch the legacy of everything by appearing for the 3rd installment of Flavor of Love. At this point, I don't care about the premise, his little names and that inane cackle. Why these women even sign up I have no clue. Oddly enough, given my tech savvy, I've seen at least 8 or 9, maybe 10 of his contestants nude. Hey, the show is good for something.

Kind of Watching it DVD's: Fists of Fear Touch of Death)

Fists of Fear: Touch of Death (1979)

I finally found a movie that's too bad for even me. The premise here is simple yet barely adhered to. There's a martial arts tournament at Madison Square Garden where the champs of the day are fighting. The side issue? They're looking for the next Bruce Lee. Good luck. Throughout this travesty is the late actor Adolph Caesar as an annoying sportscaster named, Adolph Caesar.



Fred Williamson and Adolph Caesar doing something close to nothing...

To add insult to injury, Fred "The Hammer" Williamson is on hand for the festivities. After a few self-serving comments and corny asides, it's nothing more than a cameo appearance. In a show of chutzpah for the ages, a then 40 something year old Williamson equates himself with Bruce Lee and than offers a snappy, "Go see one of my movies." It's not about you Fred Williamson!



Part 4,505: Halfway through the movie, Fists of Fear attempts to tell Bruce Lee's story by using clips from other movies, clumsily spliced blatant lies and botched dialogue. It's a mess. This pic is from some early Bruce Lee movie, not real life. But it's an instance of the crass history rewriting and inanity that sums this movie up.

Rating *