Saturday, March 13, 2010

Mr. T/Montel Williams- Battle of the Saddest Informercials Ever

Why did I have to see these things--and I see them all of the time, in my nightmares too, hoo hah hoo hah...

Mr. T- Flavorwave Oven- This commercial is beyond comprehension. According to my staff, this infomercial has been on television quite a while. Only now have I found the time to recount the horror. On this tragedy, Mr. T and some lady named Dagny Holdgreen Darla Haun are extolling the virtues of a contraption called the Flavorwave Oven. His intro? He busts through the door like LQ Jones is in the kitchen making a homemade bomb. It's a train wreck from start to finish with the only release being sleep, turning the channel or being awaken and distracted by intruders.

Let's be honest: Mr. T. is a landmine of malapropisms, broken grammar and a heavy dose of plain ol' stoopid For this commercial he didn't let anyone down with bombs like, "These frozen solid," and "This is delicious, my taste buds is going wild." Good god. The worst part was when Darla got a measuring cup of thick gold stuff (Mr. T's urine) and said it was oil, Mr. T offered the classic, "Who want all that in they body." So pithy.

Grade *** 1/2

Montel Williams-Living Well- This does what a good infomercial is supposed to do--makes you believe it's actually a real show. When I first saw this I was happy Montel had a new program. He doesn't. You couldn't tell from the spiffy set though, it looks like a genuine talk show, but it's not, it's a corny ol' infomercial. And you know what? Montel's been on this insane and fool hearty, Living Well kick and this commercial covers all of the bases. All of them...

For this commercial, Montel is frankly having too much fun with this dust collector blender.  He gets the help of one Forbes Riley (who?) and they mix fruit and veggies together like they're the first people to do it ever. Despite all of the fanfare, the mixture looks like one thing and one thing only: The Runs. Of course Monty is all about helping the kids. There is a segment in the infomercial featuring a little stout boy who all but inhales Charleston Chews, Marathon bars, you know, what the kids like. After a talking to, this child gulps down the fruit n' vegetable mixture like it's Ovaltine. Living Well works!

Montel keeps a brisk pace throughout, has a few doctors on there, you know, Dr. Scholls, the ghost of Marcus Welby, Doug Ross, etc.  Clearly it's all set dressing for his "special guest" Sylvia Browne. Here's a question: What does she know about  Living Well. Isn't she the one who tells you where the bones are buried? Now she's Dr. Oz. Anyway Sylvia was on here doing her normal stuff, chewing her fingers to the bone, telling folks their futures, looking scary and she ends up pounding down that drink too. She said it was good. That's it, I'm sold!

Grade *** 1/2 Extra points for the blender itself because it chops up granite into powder. That's just great....
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