Movies To Fall To Sleep On

You know I've seen so many movies and now I'm into multi-tasking. I like watching movies and falling asleep to them. Here's two recent favorites.




The Boost (1988) I hadn't seen this movie in over 15 years. Oddly enough, it did remain somewhere in my consciousness. This was a movie about a one-time small business man and husband who became rich and acquired a drug habit. His wife Linda (Sean Young) got one too. Watching this again, I saw just how fast Lenny (Woods) got hooked. He was down in the mouth, whining to quintessential '80s scum (John Kapelos)one minute, hitting the powder and high on life the next.

The Boost, unlike other movies, decided to kill two birds with one stone and have Young's character and Woods on strung out together. Soon all of the money was up their noses and they lost everything, including a baby that perished as Linda was highed up and fell down like a jackass.

Oddities: Despite wanting to see James Woods get worse and Sean Young before she got tagged as a crazy, I couldn't stay awake.

Timeline: 2:30 AM to 4 something AM. I woke up at 11. I think I missed it.



Smokey and the Bandit II- (1980) It's always fun to see a couple getting tired of one another. In a movie and committed to film forever? Even better. That's the deal with this dreadful 1980 sequel to 1977's classic, Smokey and the Bandit. This movie barely has a plot, a distressingly perfunctory Burt Reynolds, and elephant and Dom DeLuise. It was doomed. Every gag failed and the most embarrassing one, Sheriff Buford T. Justice's brothers (all Jackie Gleason) joining the hunt for Bandit is as vile as a looking in a friend's hurl bucket.

Oddities: Despite seeing Sally Field in tight, tight jeans, Burt Reynolds's mix of bravado and self-loathing put me out like a light.

Timeline: 3 AM or so to 3:40. Admittedly my mental powers weren't too sharp at this hour. I think I channel surfed by the last thing I saw was the Bandit visiting Uncle Phil and on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Coal For Christmas: Celebrity Edition

Look, look...

I'm a man who is munificent. I'm always helpful, I often try to make a nice appearance. When I fart in public, I always say excuse me or "I didn't do that, did you?" The holidays are a time where I like to give presents. This year, like others the list has been narrowed down. This year, I sadly have to give coal to those people I feel aren't doing their best. I don't feel bad about it, in fact, I'm happy to do so, that's right!





The Four Tops- It was painful to add the Four Tops to the list. They've entertained for years, in fact they asked me to be a member to make it The Five Tops. Sadly I have to turn down that dream of a lifetime. The venerable music group let themselves be hoodwinked into a photo op with base racist Duane "The Dog" Chapman. The Four Tops make me sick.

Verdict: A bushel of coal will be sent to each member, even
surrogate dad Abdul Fakir.
Picture stolen from TMZ.





Jeff Conaway-Pictured edited for childrens. And no, you don't want to see what he's doing. Really, you'd think that Bobby Wheeler would have the good sense to leave that devil cane alone. Think again. The picture is from a quite dispiriting clip of Conaway "taking a hit" of powered cocaine. He's turning his house into Studio 54, that's not right...

I was going to give Conaway a Brut gift set but when I heard about him falling off the wagon I decided to order him a gross of coal!




50 Cent- Despite his braggadocio, 50 Cent's career is on the fast track of downward trajectory. He hasn't had a real hit to speak of from "Curtis" but a clip surfaced that allegedly showed "Fiddy" getting his hits the old fashioned way, backstage and from a mound of little white grains. As the clip begins, this death defying reporter bursts into Cent's dressing room. Smooth...

Part 2: Sadly after this interview, 50 had to "do away" with aforementioned reporter. That fact and his backstage shenanigans leave me no choice but to offer good ol' coal as a token of glad tidings.






Tyra Banks- Sadly after a few rounds of therapy, I've found that my dislike for Tyra Banks has increased not decreased as was hoped. I don't know what I hate more, her dismissive attitude, how she tries to be funny or the fact that she loves to hack off aspiring models hair like an evil stepmom. Why ask why. Coal For Christmas!










Katherine Heigl- I made a pledge to stop watching Grey's Anatomy after Isaiah Washington was excused for running his fool mouth. I've forgiven everyone in the cast, Doug Ross, Sandra Oh, Steve Kiley, everyone except for Izzy. Izzy/Katherine Heigl still gets my ire because she's a pain in the ass. The worst part is she has a tendency to talk about Hollywood business without lying and says what's on her mind. Is she crazy? cOaL!!!

Junk From the Grocer's Shelves

Oh hi. I was out shopping with Scatman Crothers again. It's been my regret that some products never had aggressive ad campaigns. You know what's worse? Products that fade from the TV airwaves like Tang and Tarn-X. And for the record, I did enjoy that short-lived Tang/Tarn-X drink mix. Good drinking!




Now here's a blast from the past. Would you believe they still actually make this stuff? Who knew. Again, here's a product I haven't seen a commercial for in close to 100 years. Time is funny. I thought that this "antiseptic gel" was for cold sores, herpes, general tooth aches. Heh, no wonder why Orajel didn't work on my twisted ankle...

Dream Slogan: "When you hurted yourself, there was always Campo Fenique."





I knew that the world was changing when I didn't see any more spots for Dreft. Dreft has been around for eons and when you smell it, you think of covered wagons, homemade ice cream, the ancient ruins, you know, simpler times. I don't think any hi-tech commercial will make this junk seem new.

Tag Line: "Dreft: Smells like old man..."







"All day/All night/Octagon..." Now that's an impressive little ditty and unfortunately it's something we never heard. During the '70s and '80s you'd always seen a lot of Colgate/Palmolive products with hi-tech ads but I never good ol' Octagon. It remains the perfect choice on those days you're down to pennies and don't want to wash your dishes with shampoo.


Made-Up Slogan: "...Hey, Big Spender, spring for the extra 50 cents and get something that actually works..."



This is the good stuff. If you ever want any household odor to be covered up by a worse household odor, you need Arm & Hammer spray. I find Arm and Hammer Natutal Fresh the smart choice. It's great for when you want to gussy up your ramshackle docile for big business in the bathroom or elsewhere.


Company Spin: "The same smell you remember, powdery shit."



Everyone loves Tang. Tang was created in the '50s and hit the shelves in 1959. I'd say it hit its peak in the '70s and all of the cool houses had that glass jar of goodness. The aftertaste? Just a part of life. For some ungodly reason Tang has held steady making it through Hawaiian Punch in the big can years to the juice box era. Despite its sales, I haven't seen a commercial for this in a long time.

Update: The makers of Tang recently changed the recipe, subtracting the overwhelming sugar quotient and adding artifical sweetners. To me, it still tastes as fake as it always did just less good.

Truth in Advertising: Aspartame and Fruition will kill us all.