Thursday, December 13, 2007

Coal For Christmas: Celebrity Edition

Look, look...

I'm a man who is munificent. I'm always helpful, I often try to make a nice appearance. When I fart in public, I always say excuse me or "I didn't do that, did you?" The holidays are a time where I like to give presents. This year, like others the list has been narrowed down. This year, I sadly have to give coal to those people I feel aren't doing their best. I don't feel bad about it, in fact, I'm happy to do so, that's right!

The Four Tops- It was painful to add the Four Tops to the list. They've entertained for years, in fact they asked me to be a member to make it The Five Tops. Sadly I have to turn down that dream of a lifetime. The venerable music group let themselves be hoodwinked into a photo op with base racist Duane "The Dog" Chapman. The Four Tops make me sick.

Verdict: A bushel of coal will be sent to each member, even
surrogate dad Abdul Fakir.
Picture stolen from TMZ.

Jeff Conaway-Pictured edited for childrens. And no, you don't want to see what he's doing. Really, you'd think that Bobby Wheeler would have the good sense to leave that devil cane alone. Think again. The picture is from a quite dispiriting clip of Conaway "taking a hit" of powered cocaine. He's turning his house into Studio 54, that's not right...

I was going to give Conaway a Brut gift set but when I heard about him falling off the wagon I decided to order him a gross of coal!

50 Cent- Despite his braggadocio, 50 Cent's career is on the fast track of downward trajectory. He hasn't had a real hit to speak of from "Curtis" but a clip surfaced that allegedly showed "Fiddy" getting his hits the old fashioned way, backstage and from a mound of little white grains. As the clip begins, this death defying reporter bursts into Cent's dressing room. Smooth...

Part 2: Sadly after this interview, 50 had to "do away" with aforementioned reporter. That fact and his backstage shenanigans leave me no choice but to offer good ol' coal as a token of glad tidings.

Tyra Banks- Sadly after a few rounds of therapy, I've found that my dislike for Tyra Banks has increased not decreased as was hoped. I don't know what I hate more, her dismissive attitude, how she tries to be funny or the fact that she loves to hack off aspiring models hair like an evil stepmom. Why ask why. Coal For Christmas!

Katherine Heigl- I made a pledge to stop watching Grey's Anatomy after Isaiah Washington was excused for running his fool mouth. I've forgiven everyone in the cast, Doug Ross, Sandra Oh, Steve Kiley, everyone except for Izzy. Izzy/Katherine Heigl still gets my ire because she's a pain in the ass. The worst part is she has a tendency to talk about Hollywood business without lying and says what's on her mind. Is she crazy? cOaL!!!

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