Sunday, May 25, 2014

Sad Informercial: Life Lock, Derm Exclusive, Meaningful Beauty

Montel Williams- Life Lock Pitchman- You know, part of me thinks watching Montel with his infomercial antics is a little like seeing Willie Mays playing in 1973 with busted out knees. The other part? Well, I like corny television.

The Life Lock infomercial follows a now familiar presence. The production values make it seem like this is a Montel Williams Show. It isn't, it's a commercial. By the time you really think about it, you're already disoriented and you're watching it like it's Kafka. Life Lock is a company that gives you an alert when your identity being taken over--or there's a hint of credit fraud. Williams is steady throughout and exactly acts like he believes this crap. I don't.

Part 2: While the whole idea isn't anything brilliant, the saddest thing is how this is made to look like a real talk show. Rumor has it that Williams was led to believe his show was "back" and when he was told it wasn't, he called me crying/crine up a storm!

Grade **

Dr. Andrew Ordon- Derm Exclusive- You know it's near end times when this monkey has his own informercial. While Dr. Ordon might be known for buying worn women's "intimates" on the internet, he's also known for his part in the daily destruction called The Doctors. And speaking of the Doctors, didn't that show turn into a crap factory. Perhaps in a way to distance himself from that Cleveland Steamer of a show, Doc Ordon has his own thing, a horrible informercial.

Like many other deals, Derm Exclusive supposedly takes away the visible signs of aging. And to drive this point home, Ordon employed some of the most young looking women in the business including Minnie Driver and the patron saint of vague unease and baby hair, Rozonda "Chili" Thomas. This informercial is brutal, even worse than Montel's travesties. It's a lie and the truth isn't in it!

Part 2: I bet Doc Ordon is angling for his own show. He sees the writing on the wall at the Doctors. It's all become a revolving door. Didn't they even take of his "come on down" spot in between the show? Yep.

Grade ** 1/2

Cindy Crawford-Meaningful Beauty- I'm not one to hate on Cindy Crawford as the kids say. Her infomercial? Fair game. I don't know how many shows have been recorded but one is plenty. In one version another pretty woman, Valerie Bertinelli hosts this "show" talking about this miracle ooze that helped Cindy retain her staggering beauty.

For fans of science, we know what's helped Cindy: Genetics, plain ol' good living and other "stuff." Of course this is a commercial enterprise and this good fortune is going to be hitched to a product. And in this case, a doctor, Dr. Jean-Louis Sebagh. In the commercial he's treated like some youth-preserving deity--but the secret ingredient is very simple: Cantaloupes. Cantaloupes? If eating cantaloupes  Scatman Crothers wouldn't have looked a day over 15. Jean Louis Sebagh is a charlatan!

Grade ***


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