American Idol: Season 10 Finale

You know, I was ready to crash the finale and told the producers of my intentions. It didn't work out too well. In fact they sent me a letter and but they said, and I'm quoting, "If you have even the vaguest idea of showing up here, we're fully capable of pressing changes and sending you back to prison. Cheers..." Some people are too kind. So, I decided not to attend and watch this on my TV/television set. Here's what happened on the second night of this dang shindig. Heh, "dang shindig" Haley Reinhart said that, I love the kids and their "hip talk."



The Girls: I've got to say, Haley is a hard-core chick. If you're robbing a bank, she's the one who you'd want as a look out and or to lay down cover fire. America wasn't ready. So it was quite a shock to see Miss Haley stuck in the pack of the also-rans with Jasmine Trias,  Naida, Naima , and a couple of women I swear I haven't seen before. You know who else was there? You guessed it, Pia Toscano. Ooh wee, it would have been a good finale if she was in it. Clearly Jeebus had other plans. These talented women all gathered together to sing bunch of broken-down ol' Beyonce songs. I barely even noticed when Bouncy she herself showed up. She sang a song about making love. Jay-Z shooed the TV and put in a DVD full of hard-core porn.

A Question: I didn't see Young Lauren sing during this dog and pony show. She was probably resting her voice for that acceptance song at the end, she...

The Guys: The final bunch of guys sang a bunch of songs Scott McCleery's never heard before. To no one's surprise, I've been having thinking difficulties of late. I couldn't find out who's songs the guys were singing. "Delilah," "What's New Pussycat" and "Kiss" somehow didn't yield any clues. Oops, spoiler alert. Yep, good ol' Tom Jones was in the mix. I saw him and immediately turned away. I don't have any idea what he sang.



Singing With a Superstar: Often on these finales, the new talent gets to sing with genuine influential recording stars. Haley Reinhart sang with Tony Bennett. It was pretty bizarre. Tony's sunglasses are older than Hailey. Jacob Lusk appeared with Kirk Franklin and Gladys Knight. Gladys Knight deserves better! Scotty sang an older man's song with actor Tim McGraw and I choked back a sob. James Durbin sang with what's left of Foreigner Tramp and it was time for a bathroom break.

The Worse: Lil' Lauren sang with her Big Sister Carrie Underwood. You know what they sung sang? "Before He Cheats." That's great for a 16 year old children. Carrie took it easy on Lauren at first and then she opened up the throttle on Little Reva and that was all she wrote. That was mean--yet necessary...

  

The Judges: Despite sending this competition through seismic changes and guffaw worthy twists, the judges here were interesting. Steve Tyler again appeared chipper, looking snappy in something else from the Victoria Wyndham Collection. He sang "Dream On" with a pick up band. Intense. Jennifer Lopez appeared to be verklempt with all of the actually positive feedback she's gotten in this endeavor. She was introduced during a "funny" video clip and she cried. I cried too. Despite his stint during falling apart era Journey and years of perfunctory judging, Randy has become Idol's paunchy male version of a grand dame. The clips shown were intended to be in jest, but they unwittingly showed Randy's declining mental facilities. I hope he gets help soon.


The Inevitable End Result: Who wants an Idol who can't sing. No one. They didn't chance it, "fiddled" with the votes and gave the win to Haystacks Calhoun. We all knew, Scotty had this in the bag, America loves old soul and 17 year old kids who sound adult n' stuff. Did you see his parents? They're city folk! Scotty sang his pre-ordained Idol signature song, "I Made a Boom Boom This Big" kissed the judges and fellow contestants, took the first thing smoking back to his wife and kids. He's really 39.

Cancelled: Chase, Law and Order: LA, Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior, America's Most Wanted

Oh hi. Did you hear the news about these shows? Yep cancelled. I'll tell you what? I'm not letting Kingpin go down with a fight. I, I, what year is it again?


Chase- It looks like NBC had problems effectively canning this. At the start of the week, it was a go, season 2, even those the last episodes sucked. Now my staff has sent me the sad news via carrier pigeon that Chase is going the way of Union Square and Herman's Head. Chase starred the lovely Kelli Giddish as Annie Something, a hard-edged and dedicated US Marshall chasing bad guys and stuff. This show did have some nice production values but really aside from Giddish, there's wasn't much to recommend. Still this is better than the Marriage Ref, A Minute to Win It and of course the load of malarkey talked about below....

Grade ** 1/2

Law and Order: LA- Oh lawdy, this show was a goner from Jump Street. This isn't a cancellation, it's a mercy killing. Me? I'm a sad, sad man so I think this failure is justice for giving Boomtown the boot? Remember Boomtown, this is what this self-possession  this show could never attain. And guess what? I don't care if it's cancelled, in fact I'm glad the series order is down to zero. Heh!

The Mistakes: Many. Perhaps the most desperate move sending Detective Rex Winters (Skeet Ulrich) off in a hail of bullets. What's worse? Putting Ricardo Morales (Alfred Molina) back on the street as a cop. Ha! Now that was comedy...

The Very Idea: The hubris this show displayed was stupefying.

Grade *1/2

Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior- This is when the news hurts. It hurt! (Bad grammar semi-intended.) To those who didn't catch this, Suspect Behavior wasn't a reality show starring Jacob Lusk but another police procedural starring Forrest Whitaker (Mad Dog!) and my pretend wife Janeane Garofalo. Why this show was canceled is a mystery unto itself. CBS is the same place that offers us "stuff" like Survivor: Purgatory, The View, the Talk and that awful David Spade "comedy." They couldn't find room on the schedule for this? Ridiculous.

The Problems: None whatsoever. It shouldn't be cancelled.

Grade ***

America's Most Wanted- Yep, it's cancelled too. They're making short work of television programming over at Fox. They cancelled  The Tim Roth Show,  Human Target with Jack Deveraux 4, and that Christian Slater vehicle, Breaking In. Also claimed in the blast was America's Most Wanted. What? After 24 fun filled years, Fox gave one John Walsh the heave-ho and told him to chase them demons on his own time. The nerve! While AMW did unquestionably noble work, often the narrative, the cheesy acting and John Walsh's appearance (see pic) superseded whatever good that was done. And guess what? The ratings were tanking like crazy. You know why? Errbody's sick of Jim John Walsh.

Part 2: This is what John Walsh had to say about his show's staying power in an interview "AMW" had another thing going for it. No matter how aggressively the show led a fight to drain the nation's swampland of depravity, there was no danger it would ever run dry. "AMW" has content guaranteed to keep going forever."

Oh it does, does it? Well Fox says forever is 24 years. It looks like Walsh wants to keep fighting crime yet he was canny enough to worry about ratings. A man can't serve two masters! "Swampland of depravity?" Isn't that something.

Grade ***

 

The Sad Goodbye: Amercian Idol: Casey Abrams b/w Jacob Lusk

Oh hi. I had to tear myself away from a classy, barn-burning review of a couple of Silk Stalking episodes to comment on this national tragedy. Oops, make that two. The dismissal of two contestants the world was falling in love with. Sad to say both Casey and Jacob are gone. In case you miss it, it's time to let Ol' Jason to give you the rundown on these wily fugitives.

Casey Abrams- Forgot him already, didn't you? Casey was the hirsute jazzbo from Texas who enchanted the world with his singing, scatting and Tourette's like grunting. You don't have to be Dr. Oz to be worried about those wordless utterances, Casey's insane. For his audition, he sang Ray Charles "I Don't Need No Doctor." As the weeks progressed it was clear that Young Casey did need a doctor--a psychiatrist. After singing "I Put a Spell on You" from Casey's creepy brother-in-arms, Dr. Mongo, Screaming Jay Hawkins, it was clear Switek's taste was little more than "The Worst Mix CD Ever." "Your Song" and "Nature Boy" were a few of the hurl worthy performances/treats he added to Idol's fetid stew. 

Abrams's stint on American Idol was fraught with issues with his tum-tum. In fact he had to sit out an episode. You know what else Casey was notable for? The save. After an unjust and distrusting America packed Casey's metaphorical belongings on a stick and told him to hit the highway, the AI judges pulled a sneak. The news turned Abrams, red, then white--and later an off shade of green. He reportedly collapsed backstage and threw up all over Smokey Robinson (well he could have been there.) Despite all of the theatre, reality asserted itself and Abrams left the competition a few weeks later.

Jacob Lusk- Lusk was an early favorite to win. "God Bless the Child" was his great moment. Jennifer Lopez made strange jerking gestures, Randy had a coughing and farting spasm in his dressing room and Steve Tyler cried all over his vaguely matronly ensemble. Early on it was clear Lusk had a yen for R&B classics and songs of the warhorse variation. Songs like "A House is Not a Home," "Man in the Mirror" and "You're All I Need to Get By" are a few of the Time-Life classics Lusk offered up with increasingly diminishing returns.

During his weeks there Lusk proved that he was the one contestant who got worse with the more advice and comments he received. For all of his vocal pyrotechnics Lusk seemed to concentrate on a lazy mid range that's all but says, "cut-out bins." Aside from the canny choices, the Luther Vandross comparisons (unjustified) it was all over but the shouting. Lusk last episode had him clearly losing his mind, picking pop trifle like "No Air" to sing. The performance was a farce, he was gyrating like an old lady. For an encore he did the always vile Nazareth version of "Love Hurts." Good--bye. After he was eliminated, Jacob danced with Zombie Luther one more gin' and wailed/squalled until the credits rolled.

Editor's Comment: I'm glad they're (their, there) both gone. See ya!