Mariah Carey Joins American Idol

Did you hear the latest? Mariah Carey is joining American Idol. Oh goodness! This would have been good news for me during her pre-breakdown days.Now, I don't care. I knew this was coming. I saw Mariah's little boy Nick talking about American Idol, Mariah and how much money it would take to get her there. Clearly the numbers added up, Carey will be getting $17 million a year and 25% of the American Idol merchandising. Everyone loves their Kara DioGuardi steins!


What She Gets Out of It: You know, they asked Katy Perry about joining but she said something about not being washed up yet (heh, just wait.) Carey's been on the verge of being washed up for years but a song, a touch, a whisper, snatches her back from being on Celebrity Big Brother. This will probably be good for her. For us? Who knows...

Look Who's Might Be Leaving Staying- As soon as grizzled war vets, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler decided to hurl their last grenade, that left Stout Randy Jackson there to judge the show all by his lonesome. But then again, according to rumor, the producers at American Idol were waiting for him to leave gracefully. Sadly it's a moment that's yet to come. And guess what? My staff did some sleuthing and told me that Randy Jackson is actually Mariah Carey's manager now. Oh kill me now...

Nev'r Forget: While the news has been filled with Tom Cruise, Ann Curry and Savannah Guthrie's migraines, this is the only news of the century. American Idol lost two of its best adequate judges, Steven Tyler and that lady from all of those bad movies. These two came on the American Idol crime scene in 2011 and pretty much helped to further destroy a once promising franchise. The American Idol winners crowned under the Steven Tyler/Jennifer Lopez seasons include both Scott McCreery and Phil Phillips. So yeah, they basically did nothing their entire time there.

Isn't That Nice: Steven Tyler was the first to leave. He went to the main office, turned in his books and left a mix tape on his friend Jennifer's desk. Jennifer was so overcome she decided to leave too and said of their chemistry, "We had magic." Jason thinks of them both and gets a headache.

American Idol: Season 10 Finale

You know, I was ready to crash the finale and told the producers of my intentions. It didn't work out too well. In fact they sent me a letter and but they said, and I'm quoting, "If you have even the vaguest idea of showing up here, we're fully capable of pressing changes and sending you back to prison. Cheers..." Some people are too kind. So, I decided not to attend and watch this on my TV/television set. Here's what happened on the second night of this dang shindig. Heh, "dang shindig" Haley Reinhart said that, I love the kids and their "hip talk."



The Girls: I've got to say, Haley is a hard-core chick. If you're robbing a bank, she's the one who you'd want as a look out and or to lay down cover fire. America wasn't ready. So it was quite a shock to see Miss Haley stuck in the pack of the also-rans with Jasmine Trias,  Naida, Naima , and a couple of women I swear I haven't seen before. You know who else was there? You guessed it, Pia Toscano. Ooh wee, it would have been a good finale if she was in it. Clearly Jeebus had other plans. These talented women all gathered together to sing bunch of broken-down ol' Beyonce songs. I barely even noticed when Bouncy she herself showed up. She sang a song about making love. Jay-Z shooed the TV and put in a DVD full of hard-core porn.

A Question: I didn't see Young Lauren sing during this dog and pony show. She was probably resting her voice for that acceptance song at the end, she...

The Guys: The final bunch of guys sang a bunch of songs Scott McCleery's never heard before. To no one's surprise, I've been having thinking difficulties of late. I couldn't find out who's songs the guys were singing. "Delilah," "What's New Pussycat" and "Kiss" somehow didn't yield any clues. Oops, spoiler alert. Yep, good ol' Tom Jones was in the mix. I saw him and immediately turned away. I don't have any idea what he sang.



Singing With a Superstar: Often on these finales, the new talent gets to sing with genuine influential recording stars. Haley Reinhart sang with Tony Bennett. It was pretty bizarre. Tony's sunglasses are older than Hailey. Jacob Lusk appeared with Kirk Franklin and Gladys Knight. Gladys Knight deserves better! Scotty sang an older man's song with actor Tim McGraw and I choked back a sob. James Durbin sang with what's left of Foreigner Tramp and it was time for a bathroom break.

The Worse: Lil' Lauren sang with her Big Sister Carrie Underwood. You know what they sung sang? "Before He Cheats." That's great for a 16 year old children. Carrie took it easy on Lauren at first and then she opened up the throttle on Little Reva and that was all she wrote. That was mean--yet necessary...

  

The Judges: Despite sending this competition through seismic changes and guffaw worthy twists, the judges here were interesting. Steve Tyler again appeared chipper, looking snappy in something else from the Victoria Wyndham Collection. He sang "Dream On" with a pick up band. Intense. Jennifer Lopez appeared to be verklempt with all of the actually positive feedback she's gotten in this endeavor. She was introduced during a "funny" video clip and she cried. I cried too. Despite his stint during falling apart era Journey and years of perfunctory judging, Randy has become Idol's paunchy male version of a grand dame. The clips shown were intended to be in jest, but they unwittingly showed Randy's declining mental facilities. I hope he gets help soon.


The Inevitable End Result: Who wants an Idol who can't sing. No one. They didn't chance it, "fiddled" with the votes and gave the win to Haystacks Calhoun. We all knew, Scotty had this in the bag, America loves old soul and 17 year old kids who sound adult n' stuff. Did you see his parents? They're city folk! Scotty sang his pre-ordained Idol signature song, "I Made a Boom Boom This Big" kissed the judges and fellow contestants, took the first thing smoking back to his wife and kids. He's really 39.