What Is Up With The Smell At Subway?

Wow, am I glad to be an investigative reporter again. I haven't been so happy since the day I tried to smoke a banana peel for a buzz.

Today I'm putting on my sleuthing cap for a problem that's reportedly plaguing Subway's across the globe: The wretched smell. You know it if you can't come close to identifying it. On some occasions it hits as you hit the door, that funky smell. It's in the air as you wait in line, make you sandwich and the odor is with you as you hit the door and on the way out. I've wondered what it is, and here's a few ideas...


1.) Poor cleaning habits- Perhaps there is a cleaning agent that is used specifically for Subway. It is used to do the floors--and it's not done well. The smell is reminiscent of hot pee pee water and a dirty mop.Heh, oddly enough Big Joe Turner did a song with the exact same title. No one has ever smelled this smell at McDonalds, Quiznos's or even lost and lonely ol' Burger King.Yep, they still have Burger Kings.


2.) Baking Bread- I'm not inclined to go along with the bread theory. As a matter of fact, you can go to any place that had sub rolls in the world and they don't taste (or smell) like Subway. Really when was the last time anyone's smelled bread like that outside of a grade-school "old bread gets moldy" science experiment.

3.) A Combination Of A Lot of Things- How's that for being clear. This is probably more like it. Subway has quite a few "food" items that aren't found on other planets let alone other restaurants. There's the white cheese (it's all white), the onions that smell like gym BO, and of course, the meat products. For example, all of the meats in the Non-Classic Cold Cut are turkey based. Yuck/why.


Postscript: I was walking past a Subway last night, the door was closed and I still smelled that rank odor. What is it.? What's Subway? Where am I....That's some noxious stuff.

Mr. T/Montel Williams- Battle of the Saddest Informercials Ever

Why did I have to see these things--and I see them all of the time, in my nightmares too, hoo hah hoo hah...



Mr. T- Flavorwave Oven- This commercial is beyond comprehension. According to my staff, this infomercial has been on television quite a while. Only now have I found the time to recount the horror. On this tragedy, Mr. T and some lady named Dagny Holdgreen Darla Haun are extolling the virtues of a contraption called the Flavorwave Oven. His intro? He busts through the door like LQ Jones is in the kitchen making a homemade bomb. It's a train wreck from start to finish with the only release being sleep, turning the channel or being awaken and distracted by intruders.

Let's be honest: Mr. T. is a landmine of malapropisms, broken grammar and a heavy dose of plain ol' stoopid For this commercial he didn't let anyone down with bombs like, "These frozen solid," and "This is delicious, my taste buds is going wild." Good god. The worst part was when Darla got a measuring cup of thick gold stuff (Mr. T's urine) and said it was oil, Mr. T offered the classic, "Who want all that in they body." So pithy.

Grade *** 1/2

Montel Williams-Living Well- This does what a good infomercial is supposed to do--makes you believe it's actually a real show. When I first saw this I was happy Montel had a new program. He doesn't. You couldn't tell from the spiffy set though, it looks like a genuine talk show, but it's not, it's a corny ol' infomercial. And you know what? Montel's been on this insane and fool hearty, Living Well kick and this commercial covers all of the bases. All of them...



For this commercial, Montel is frankly having too much fun with this dust collector blender.  He gets the help of one Forbes Riley (who?) and they mix fruit and veggies together like they're the first people to do it ever. Despite all of the fanfare, the mixture looks like one thing and one thing only: The Runs. Of course Monty is all about helping the kids. There is a segment in the infomercial featuring a little stout boy who all but inhales Charleston Chews, Marathon bars, you know, what the kids like. After a talking to, this child gulps down the fruit n' vegetable mixture like it's Ovaltine. Living Well works!


Montel keeps a brisk pace throughout, has a few doctors on there, you know, Dr. Scholls, the ghost of Marcus Welby, Doug Ross, etc.  Clearly it's all set dressing for his "special guest" Sylvia Browne. Here's a question: What does she know about  Living Well. Isn't she the one who tells you where the bones are buried? Now she's Dr. Oz. Anyway Sylvia was on here doing her normal stuff, chewing her fingers to the bone, telling folks their futures, looking scary and she ends up pounding down that drink too. She said it was good. That's it, I'm sold!

Grade *** 1/2 Extra points for the blender itself because it chops up granite into powder. That's just great....