Saturday, December 12, 2009

Coal For Christmas!

Here's a part of my job I don't like. It's time to hand out coal to those who don't deserve nothing from Santy Claus....

Jon Gosselin- Tell me who's not tired of looking at this guy. After burdening his wife with 16 childring, he's decided to "explore other opportunities." Jon's even mean enough to put the breaks on Kate's little ol' show, Kate Plus 8. While Kate is doing the majority of the child raising, Jon is having the world's youngest mid-life crisis, at 33. 33? Really? Are we in the old west? I guess Jon's life-expectancy is the ripe of old age of 42 and a half.

Peep this. He's been seen gallivanting with a bunch of ladies, running though the family money and wearing the worst T-shirts ever. Jon Gosselin, you're horrible. Don't leave Kate all alone with those 155 kids!

Verdict: I can't exchange presents with Jon this year, no Axe gift set for him, just coal!!!!

Tiger Woods- I've got to say I'm saddened by young Tiger Woods's conduct. You know what I'm the most stunned about? The fact that Tiger has such a penchant for loose womens. The parade of floozies that this scandal has unearthed hasn't been seen since the debut party of Hometown Honeys. Compare those doxies to his wife. His wife is a great looking woman and really if Tiger didn't have a skill, money and prospects he'd be me. He's a nerd/geek!

What?:With great dismay, I have to give Tiger Woods a Christmas stocking, filled with old-fashioned C-O-A-L-E!

Les Moonves- Now there's a man who looks like a pocket pool champ, dirty ol' Les Moonves. Do you know what this joker did? He canceled As the World Turns (gasp, no more Jack N' Carly, Fake Lily and Fake Craig.) Not only that, he was quite sanguine about it. In an interview Moonves was seen smiling at the news and said the following, "The days of the soap opera have changed very much. ‘Guiding Light’ left earlier this year and ‘As the World Turns’ will leave later next year. They’ve had long and distinguished runs and their days are over." You know what else is over? Les Moonves. He's one failed sitcom away from being a "consultant" prattling on about all talk business deals. Les, I got a deal for you. How about you step down for the good of mankind and accept this grab bag of Burning Hot Coal!

Tito Jackson- Tito had a time this year, we all did, losing Michael Jackson. In fact, Tito doesn't deserve coal,--- his hat on the other hand. I guess it's a package deal, much like Stevie Nicks and Lindsay Buckingham were when they came to Fleetwood Mac. Take Tito, take his hat too. Not me. Really I'm tired of looking at that derby, I'll tell the world. Sadly, it's not going away. The derby has been offered its own series on A&E. Look at this, how in the world did this happen. Frankly I hope Tito isn't hiding a balding pate under that bowler, that would make me cry real tears. In any event, I have present for Tito under the tree, a spiffy new hat filled with, well, you know...

Michael McDonald- What, what? Here's a story from my history book. A while ago I saw Mr. McDonald's page on MySpace. I've been a fan for a long time, he's one of my favorite singers. You know in MySpace you can be friends with whoever is on there, I sent Michael McDonald a request. Michael McDonald took a heck of a long time--and didn't respond. You see, I gave Mike ample time to accept me as a friend. How much time? One day. It's enough and it's fair!

Gifts For Michael McDonald: No razor, no coupons, but instead a one way ticket to take a ride on the Coal Train. You guessed it, he gets coal too!
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