Saturday, May 21, 2005

The Bachelor: Show Is Over, Say Goodbye

Bachelor Bob: Franchise Killer Posted by Hello

Get a load of that guy. Just take a gander, he's totally phony. But in a way, Bob Guiney seemed to be the man to keep ABC's semi-long running reality show afloat. Not so. In fact after Bachelor Bob's season the show has continued to decline. But it's still on as of this writing. I just received some news, the Bachelor has been cancelled! No, wait. I just got some more news, it's still on and "popping" as the kids say. While I'm getting my info together, let's review this debacle, frame by frame. A few years from now, I bet some of this tape is going to be used on America's Most Wanted. I can only hope, the Pop Culture Idiot likes crossover, television "events." Below are the jokers who have become the Bachelor. Word on the street is that one of the more "odd" ones has made a makeshift rose ceremony shrine in his basement. Just a note, not passing judgement.

Alex- The first and probably the best. Despite all of his chit-chat, Alex turned out to be an Empty Portfolio Jones. He talked a good game but yes he was a little weird. As for the picks, Alex pretty much sped down the same slippery slope of picking the wrong women for all of the wrong reasons. He probably had access to the Bachelor's biggest crush for geeks worldwide. Shannon. Crazy, emotionally unreadable though cute, it seemed like they were going to end up together. Not quite. Certainly Alex wasn't everyone's cup of Joe. Certainly he was a Mr. Fancy Pants for those who play the spoons to "Good Old Rocky Top." Alex did indeed set the standard: The standard of the Bachelor invariably picking the wrong woman.

Grade B+

Aaron- This is the chucklehead who had Heather from Texas's head "turnin'" and no one else's really. This was an utterly forgettable entry as any the women are a big blur of hair, overdone exit scenes and long limo rides home. Aaron has the distinction of being the most boring Bachelor. His big moment was taking his intended to a dingy ol' place where a restaurant should be. As Aaron appeared, television sets across the globe switched to everything from L&O repeats to PBS beg-a-thons. Nope he didn't end up with his "beloved" either. In fact the winner ad the runner-up actually got together to write a book about dating. Dealing with a passive-aggressive walking landmine like Aaron will do that for a gal.

Grade C-

Bob- Much hyped and didn't deliver. After cracking his way into the hearts of some Americans, Bob, named "Bachelor Bob" got 15 minutes for being the slightly heavy guy Bachelorette Trista flung onto the cold concrete. After parlaying that big failure into appearances on Oprah, Bob seemed to be reluctant to take on the responsibilities the Bachelor entailed. Losing about 1,000 pounds, he reconsidered. In short order fans of "new guy" Bob were shocked and saddened to see him morph into the most gruesome and seamy paramour of them all.

Bachelor Bob arguably got some of the most interesting women, like Kelly Jo, and Mary, 2nd Bachelorette Meredith, but Bob bid them all adieu. He picked Estella, a then 20 something year old woman with a permanent frowny face and a cart full of weird tics and traits that made her patently undatable. But after all of his unctuous moves, it seems that Bachelor Bob wasn't finished hoodwinking the public. It turns later that the Estella/Bob love match was a laughable farce and Bob ended up with soap actress Rebecca Budgie. Bachelor Bob, will you ever stop outsmarting us? We're getting scared.

Grade B-

Andrew- Look at your tires, Firestone you say? And this guy couldn't get a date? It all seemed ridiculous. And Andrew's edition never really took off. Blandness is the word here. With his crooked Church Lady smirk and his showy vintage T's, Andrew went from geeky scion to twit in nanoseconds. How bad was it? The oddly coffied and perfectly modulated vocal "tones" of host Chris Harrison was the best part of this Sleepy-Time Edition. There was one bright spot, Tina Fabulous and even she got boring the closer she got to Firestone's soul numbing personal space. Andrew did end up with someone however, one Jen Scheft, the definition of toxic TV. And unlike other installments, this foolishness went on and as the Scheft/Firestone love match continued to play out on entertainment programs, magazines, on...ahh forget, it's over...

Grade C-

Jessie-Wow! Win a date with a third string quarterback. Isn’t that what all girls dream of? Well not quite. Despite the big buildup, this edition was yet another total groaner as even the Bachelor himself is barely remembered. What is notable however is one of the women. Trish. Great looking, a little hard, probably amazing in, well, everything was made out to be the shrew of the ages to offset Jessie Palmer lack of brain waves. Sure, Trish was a challenge and yet every entertainment hungry man and women were screaming for Jessie to "man up" and do what they wanted to do with hot, hot Trish. It didn't happen. The runner-up is barely remembered, so is the "winner" as well as Jessie. After the show uncertainly seemed to grip young Jessie's career. The Pop Culture Idiot's has got some news. Whenever Mr. Palmer wants it, he has a job as a starter for the Baltimore Colts. We deliver!

Grade C+

Byron- I guess this guy was the lesser of two evils. In a sad display, the Bachelor decided to offer two eligible men, Byron, the boyish fisherman and Jay his more stable and remote counterpart. In the end it wasn't a contest and Jay was hustled out of the way and shown the door. As the only bachelor left, Byron pretty much put the stones back in the show. He wasn't boring in the least, a tad self-absorbed and never too hesitant to "break it down" for some of the women acting like totally psychopaths. And that was the problem. Although Byron's taste was good, but his picks were mentally imploding so he was rewarded with two Bachelor cast-offs, Heather from Texas (the Bachelor 2) and the biggest victim of Bob Guiney's whims, the smoking hot, Mary Delgado. Byron ended up with Mary in the show's finale and it was clear the two were going strong on a "reunion" show. Great stuff all around but for the show, it might be too little too late.

Grade B

Charlie- Of course this is Jerry O' Connell's brother and by the time this edition rolled around, that was the draw. Isn't that sad? We've no doubt seen this elastic faced guy around before and despite his semi-notoriety, the Bachelor had finally eased down D+ lane without any of the participants even knowing it. By the third show Charlie had become a dumb, gangly cartoon giving verbose and moist eyed explanations on why he gave the chicks the boot. Well it's part of the show, we get it. This edition was callow city. A little bit of hard-wrought wisdom would have straightened this right out. And of course the one woman, who could have centered this, broke down in tears in a bar and ran away. Seeing one too many booty gyrations must have crushed her spirit.

Got nadir? Sure do. The three hour finale surely qualifies. As Charlie was on edge throughout, the cameras actually followed him down a darkish hallway where he delivered his "no can do" news to No 2. Krissly. What's worse? The camera continued to show her thunderstuck and in obvious distress. That made the rest of the show pretty anti-climatic, few cared about the "great" relationship, or the show's final fifteen minutes. A note: This show was opposite the Everybody Loves Raymond series finale and got pummelled.

Grade C-
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