Randy Jackson- Out at American Idol: An Overview for Dyslexics

I told my staff not to give me any bad news and look what happened? It looks like our friend Randy Jackson got fired from his American Idol. Jackson had been with the show since its inception in 2002, you know, the year Clay Aiken won but they gave it to Ruben Studdard? Yeah that far back.

Jackson, a producer and renowned rock roll bassist was part of the judging trimarvite that also features Simon Cowell (from the Cowsills) and Paula Abdul (envoy.) With his stout bearing and boisterous, annoying voice, Randy's advice was often the words of a simpleton. When his choppy sentences didn't do, he began using catchphrases like "Yo Dawg," "We've got a hot one right here," and the telling, "This show's fixed!"


As the judging teams changed, Jackson's role also transformed. During his last few seasons with Jennifer Lopez ( movie's Selena) and Steven Tyler (Hannah from Ryan's Hope)  Randy assumed a blistering, curt attack style like his date-mate Simon Cowell. This fact was so apparent that the maddening crowds at American Idol were loath to let him talk. Fans of intelligent conversation call that time, "the good old days."


In the time between the 11th and 12th seasons, Mariah Carey was named as a judge. Jackson and Carey go back to the 1850's. At the news of his signing, it was expected that those two folks would have old home week and talk about totally uninteresting things together. It was no to be. As of this writing, Jackson is off the team, field and roster. The only thing left is a vague "mentoring" job that was done solely to shut his big fat face up and let him limp off the show with dignity.

My Favorite People Ever: With reports of crazy folks like Keith Urban, Nicky Minaj and Kanye West reportedly offered a hosting gig, the pic on the left remains my favorite lineup. So much so I'm going to watch clips of them crushing dreams one by one and remember them when!

Mariah Carey Joins American Idol

Did you hear the latest? Mariah Carey is joining American Idol. Oh goodness! This would have been good news for me during her pre-breakdown days.Now, I don't care. I knew this was coming. I saw Mariah's little boy Nick talking about American Idol, Mariah and how much money it would take to get her there. Clearly the numbers added up, Carey will be getting $17 million a year and 25% of the American Idol merchandising. Everyone loves their Kara DioGuardi steins!


What She Gets Out of It: You know, they asked Katy Perry about joining but she said something about not being washed up yet (heh, just wait.) Carey's been on the verge of being washed up for years but a song, a touch, a whisper, snatches her back from being on Celebrity Big Brother. This will probably be good for her. For us? Who knows...

Look Who's Might Be Leaving Staying- As soon as grizzled war vets, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler decided to hurl their last grenade, that left Stout Randy Jackson there to judge the show all by his lonesome. But then again, according to rumor, the producers at American Idol were waiting for him to leave gracefully. Sadly it's a moment that's yet to come. And guess what? My staff did some sleuthing and told me that Randy Jackson is actually Mariah Carey's manager now. Oh kill me now...

Nev'r Forget: While the news has been filled with Tom Cruise, Ann Curry and Savannah Guthrie's migraines, this is the only news of the century. American Idol lost two of its best adequate judges, Steven Tyler and that lady from all of those bad movies. These two came on the American Idol crime scene in 2011 and pretty much helped to further destroy a once promising franchise. The American Idol winners crowned under the Steven Tyler/Jennifer Lopez seasons include both Scott McCreery and Phil Phillips. So yeah, they basically did nothing their entire time there.

Isn't That Nice: Steven Tyler was the first to leave. He went to the main office, turned in his books and left a mix tape on his friend Jennifer's desk. Jennifer was so overcome she decided to leave too and said of their chemistry, "We had magic." Jason thinks of them both and gets a headache.

American Idol: Season 10 Finale

You know, I was ready to crash the finale and told the producers of my intentions. It didn't work out too well. In fact they sent me a letter and but they said, and I'm quoting, "If you have even the vaguest idea of showing up here, we're fully capable of pressing changes and sending you back to prison. Cheers..." Some people are too kind. So, I decided not to attend and watch this on my TV/television set. Here's what happened on the second night of this dang shindig. Heh, "dang shindig" Haley Reinhart said that, I love the kids and their "hip talk."



The Girls: I've got to say, Haley is a hard-core chick. If you're robbing a bank, she's the one who you'd want as a look out and or to lay down cover fire. America wasn't ready. So it was quite a shock to see Miss Haley stuck in the pack of the also-rans with Jasmine Trias,  Naida, Naima , and a couple of women I swear I haven't seen before. You know who else was there? You guessed it, Pia Toscano. Ooh wee, it would have been a good finale if she was in it. Clearly Jeebus had other plans. These talented women all gathered together to sing bunch of broken-down ol' Beyonce songs. I barely even noticed when Bouncy she herself showed up. She sang a song about making love. Jay-Z shooed the TV and put in a DVD full of hard-core porn.

A Question: I didn't see Young Lauren sing during this dog and pony show. She was probably resting her voice for that acceptance song at the end, she...

The Guys: The final bunch of guys sang a bunch of songs Scott McCleery's never heard before. To no one's surprise, I've been having thinking difficulties of late. I couldn't find out who's songs the guys were singing. "Delilah," "What's New Pussycat" and "Kiss" somehow didn't yield any clues. Oops, spoiler alert. Yep, good ol' Tom Jones was in the mix. I saw him and immediately turned away. I don't have any idea what he sang.



Singing With a Superstar: Often on these finales, the new talent gets to sing with genuine influential recording stars. Haley Reinhart sang with Tony Bennett. It was pretty bizarre. Tony's sunglasses are older than Hailey. Jacob Lusk appeared with Kirk Franklin and Gladys Knight. Gladys Knight deserves better! Scotty sang an older man's song with actor Tim McGraw and I choked back a sob. James Durbin sang with what's left of Foreigner Tramp and it was time for a bathroom break.

The Worse: Lil' Lauren sang with her Big Sister Carrie Underwood. You know what they sung sang? "Before He Cheats." That's great for a 16 year old children. Carrie took it easy on Lauren at first and then she opened up the throttle on Little Reva and that was all she wrote. That was mean--yet necessary...

  

The Judges: Despite sending this competition through seismic changes and guffaw worthy twists, the judges here were interesting. Steve Tyler again appeared chipper, looking snappy in something else from the Victoria Wyndham Collection. He sang "Dream On" with a pick up band. Intense. Jennifer Lopez appeared to be verklempt with all of the actually positive feedback she's gotten in this endeavor. She was introduced during a "funny" video clip and she cried. I cried too. Despite his stint during falling apart era Journey and years of perfunctory judging, Randy has become Idol's paunchy male version of a grand dame. The clips shown were intended to be in jest, but they unwittingly showed Randy's declining mental facilities. I hope he gets help soon.


The Inevitable End Result: Who wants an Idol who can't sing. No one. They didn't chance it, "fiddled" with the votes and gave the win to Haystacks Calhoun. We all knew, Scotty had this in the bag, America loves old soul and 17 year old kids who sound adult n' stuff. Did you see his parents? They're city folk! Scotty sang his pre-ordained Idol signature song, "I Made a Boom Boom This Big" kissed the judges and fellow contestants, took the first thing smoking back to his wife and kids. He's really 39.

A Petty Annoyance: People Pointing In Photos

I'm a loving man, but this is one of my pet peeves, people pointing in pictures. I hate it. Oddly enough I can tell what kind of person is going to be a picture pointer. They are normally show-bizzy, ingratiating, duplicitous sorts. The following pictures are some of the saddest examples.




Etta James and Beyoncé This picture has taken on a quaint feeling, since might not happen again given hatred Etta unleashed towards Beyoncé . This pose is annoying yet illustrates the utter silliness of the practice. Hey Beyoncé , there's no need to point, we can see Etta, fool! I mean, I mean, nice lady, hee hee...And from the looks of it, Etta's not having much of it. She looks pissed off. Now that's a shocker.

Annoyance Scale: 6







Carlos Santana- Finger Pointer Per Excellence- This has become his trademark, along with those little hats. Can I say I prefer the aloof Carlos Santana who would steal away, trip on some hallucinating agents and play something totally insane. I'll take Santana circa 1981 to this pointing guy. Here 'Los is pointing at Clive Davis. Also pictured is Whitney Houston during her 15th comeback attempt.




Carlos with Dina Lohan pointing again I see...


Annoyance Factor: 9











Randy Jackson-Here's another chronic pointer. Jackson has seemed to master this revolting trait. See, this is Randy tacitly telling us it's not about him, it's about the other person he's posing with. How magnanimous. Believe it or not, we don't need this gesture, we know who the other person is, it's Sam and Dave.







It's a sickness...He's never going to stop is he. I bet you he'd quit if I bent his fingers back until they crick-cracked and twisted like pretzels..That would learn him something. And you've got to know people think he's such moron for this stagey, increasingly distasteful pose.


Annoyance Factor: 11. I added a point for those silly shirts.









Pharrell Williams and Justin Timberlake-While people still do point in pictures as evidenced in the above photos, no one could do it like these guys circa 2003. So phony. For some reason these pics incense me more than Crazy Ol' Randy Jackson or Carlos Santana. If I was there I'd backhand them both, shake them until their teeth chattered and then of course get hauled away. It would be worth it!





Bonus Pic: Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas- Carlos isn't pointing, it all seems wrong somehow...