Friday, January 14, 2011

The Ted Williams/Dr. Phil Chronicles

That's a pic from the good ol' days. You remember them don't you? Golden-voiced homeless guy Ted Williams was having the best week ever. He was taken off the streets, given many job opportunities. Even better, I think he even got 3 hots and a cot like olden days. For the time being, the halcyon days of instant fame and redemption have been up on the shelf. Ted Williams decided to do a program called Dr. Phil. The party stops here.





"I'm a killjoy." Signed, Dr. Phil
 The first Dr. Phil/Ted Williams show was entitled, From Homeless to Hollywood. You know what? He's not even in Hollywood yet is he? This show was taped 6 days after Ted was holding that cardboard sign out in the elements. Sadly maybe that's where he should have stayed. From the outset Dr. Phil was looking crazy in the face, spoiling for a fight. No, Ted, no! In his role as instigator, Phil tried to prime the pump with familiar signposts-rap sheet photos, silly-ass questions and his patented brand of corn-pone logic that’s ruined lives for close to 15 years. Not surprisingly, the non-media savvy Ted Williams fell for Phil’s nickel slick tactics and he was spilling his guts about his crack habits, theft and became a Dr. Phil project before he knew it!

Run Ted Run!
By the time of Ted's Family Intervention, Ted was through! The castration of Ted Williams was in full effect. As Ted met his family again he seemed humbled and broken down. Williams became stooped in posture, losing his gusto and verve. By contrast, Dr Phil was walking on sunshine, seemingly emboldened by seeing Ted turning into a ball of confusion. Dr. Phil clearly had the time of his life watching Ted and his joyless family talking trash, crying, moaning, etc. Oh, Phil's so sane compared to these wrecks. Well, not really...



They'd make me drink too.
 America was still recoiling in horror from the family secrets unearthed in the previous episodes. When the final episode, Ted Williams: Confrontation appeared, the nation was fractured as a whole. Williams's tired-ass family appeared on the big stage where they all were gossiping, talking trash about Good Ol' Ted!  It was during this confab where we learned that Ted and one of his daughters got into fisticuffs. Ted had a "cutesy" explanation about the aforementioned struggle and no one was buying it. Guess what? Ted allegedly put hands on his daughter and she threw a wine can/ice bucket or something at Dad. And guess what? Ted had to do some time in  jail. Oops, well that’s the 17th mug shot.




Little 'Ol Ted Williams
By the end of the show Dr. Phil made sure to lay waste to Ted’s dreamz of fame, fortune, mac, cheese and Louis Vuitton (Louie Vitton) bags that make it all better. Phil wasn’t satisfied until he got Ted into a weakened state where he agreed to go to rehab. Dammit!


Where The Story Goes: Who knows where. During the time of his Dr. Phil appearance, Ted Williams didn’t have a manager, a guru or a “person.” He was susceptible to Phil’s foolishness about wanting to get well, stop drinking and stuff like that...
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