Commercial Endorsements

You'd think commercials would improve a little bit. They haven't. With a few exceptions, they're all awful--and that's not hyperbole.


Mandy Moore- Gain- I like Mandy Moore a lot. She's cute, seems like an old-soul and likes cleaning products. Moore's ad campaign consists of an internets presence, a song giveaway and a lucky person gets her to give a concert. I have to admit I love this ad. The frowny faces, the affirmative nods, it's all so Mandy Moore-y.



Of course the odd part of this is the fact that Moore is engaged to singer Ryan Adams. I've never heard his work, don't care to really. Hilariously enough he's known as one of the grungiest guys ever, way beyond Gain's capabilities. In fact Mandy might need 20 Mule Team Borax to get out Ryan's miscellaneous stains.





Alan Thicke-Tahiti Village- While his son Robin is boring the world with his Marvin Timberlake impression, Pops has got to cover his car note. This commercial is one, unfortunate way for Alan Thicke to cash money. This cock and bull getaway to Vegas is one of the most obnoxious ads I've seen in a while. It's basically a three-day, two night excursion and Thicke does the commercial with the hoary delivery of a carnival barker. And to add insult to injury, it's couples only so I can't go. Damn you Alan Thicke, I like to gamble too!





Tony Orlando- Romancing the '70s- Not him again. One night I reading 35 year old porn magazines and watching infomercials when I saw this guy: Tony Orlando. He was hosting one of those horrible Time-Life commercials. What a groan fest. In this lovingly crafted 250,000 song set, Tony's probably responsible for 3 of the most corny ones. As a host Orlando is smarmy, a little boring and obvious. In short, he's perfect as a pitchman.












Ed McMahon and MC Hammer- Cash 4 Gold. This is all class. Given the eeriness of the very idea of this tragedy, there's a requisite commercial where both of these fools make perfect jackasses of themselves. Y gads.



MC Hammer portion of the commercial has him spinning around like a buffoon holding trinkets that could be translated into cash. In his dreams. He even had the nerve enough to say, "Ta Dow" like it's still 1995 or something. And there's Ed McMahon. His business mistakes have become his new source of income. This is a man who was on Johnny Carson, Star Search, F-Ups, Bloops and Blunders and now he's running around with a pliers and yanking the gold teeth out out of people's mouths for spending change. Yeah, listen to both of these guys for monetary advice.


Put that fake paper down, no one cares...

Jamie Lee Curtis- Activia- The patron saint of irregularity.
How in the heck did this happen? One minute I was having fun watching her on Anything But Love and then she became the YogurtLady. Who knows how this transpired but know we are left with a truly odious campaign that has women all but doing the Lindy over having doing Number 2. And doesn't all yogurt taste like crap anyway? And no that wasn't planned.

The Death of Richie

From the title alone I knew this wasn't going to be a comedy. 1977's The Death of Richie is one of about 20 movies I watch to help me go to sleep. I have no idea why I'd pick this one, it's just so happy. Richie (Robby Benson) is a big time drug addict. There's no other way to describe it. It seemed to start out so innocently but than, Richie had issues besides his crazy drug habit. He had an old, out-of touch dad played too well by Ben Gazzara. Eileen Brennan turned in great performance as Richie's frazzled mom.

The movie is filled with "hilarious" moments but perhaps none more odd than when Richie's dad barged into Richie's room after a night getting high with the boys. Yeah, that's what everyone needs, Dad crying on your bed prattling on about being a forest ranger. A forest ranger? Go back to bed!


<---While you're friends are playing some corny music and a girl you like is with some dude, there's nothing left to do but cry. And oh yeah, get high!

Throughout the movie Richie's drug use increases to staggering and quite unsettling proportions. Richie's smoking the ganja, doing Quaaludes and doing LSD. To make matters worse, Richie made his own little psychedelic shack/drug den inside of his bedroom. Now that was a great idea. Given all of this we see the parenting styles. Mom wants rap sessions with other beleaguered parents and Dad wants to put Richie in jail. It got so bad that jackass was taping Richie's conversations with some foolish contraption in the basement.


Even a half-awake viewer can tell this is getting ready to get out of control (the title is a giveaway.) Richie's got a vague "crazy" diagnosis from a doctor and his drug intake is increasing. You know what else is on the upswing? His ol' funny moods. His outbursts/tantrums are off the hook. In a stirring crescendo, Richie and his dad's last flight happens in the basement. Richie blazed on something yells, "Shoot me!" His father obliges.


Armchair Analysis: Upon clearer reflection I can safely say that Richie's dad was an asshead and the murder was premeditated. The real life "Richie's dad" didn't serve a day in prison.

Grade **** It gets an extra half-star for Benson's sympathetic performance and the fact that this really captures the '70s.

A Petty Annoyance: People Pointing In Photos

I'm a loving man, but this is one of my pet peeves, people pointing in pictures. I hate it. Oddly enough I can tell what kind of person is going to be a picture pointer. They are normally show-bizzy, ingratiating, duplicitous sorts. The following pictures are some of the saddest examples.




Etta James and Beyoncé This picture has taken on a quaint feeling, since might not happen again given hatred Etta unleashed towards Beyoncé . This pose is annoying yet illustrates the utter silliness of the practice. Hey Beyoncé , there's no need to point, we can see Etta, fool! I mean, I mean, nice lady, hee hee...And from the looks of it, Etta's not having much of it. She looks pissed off. Now that's a shocker.

Annoyance Scale: 6







Carlos Santana- Finger Pointer Per Excellence- This has become his trademark, along with those little hats. Can I say I prefer the aloof Carlos Santana who would steal away, trip on some hallucinating agents and play something totally insane. I'll take Santana circa 1981 to this pointing guy. Here 'Los is pointing at Clive Davis. Also pictured is Whitney Houston during her 15th comeback attempt.




Carlos with Dina Lohan pointing again I see...


Annoyance Factor: 9











Randy Jackson-Here's another chronic pointer. Jackson has seemed to master this revolting trait. See, this is Randy tacitly telling us it's not about him, it's about the other person he's posing with. How magnanimous. Believe it or not, we don't need this gesture, we know who the other person is, it's Sam and Dave.







It's a sickness...He's never going to stop is he. I bet you he'd quit if I bent his fingers back until they crick-cracked and twisted like pretzels..That would learn him something. And you've got to know people think he's such moron for this stagey, increasingly distasteful pose.


Annoyance Factor: 11. I added a point for those silly shirts.









Pharrell Williams and Justin Timberlake-While people still do point in pictures as evidenced in the above photos, no one could do it like these guys circa 2003. So phony. For some reason these pics incense me more than Crazy Ol' Randy Jackson or Carlos Santana. If I was there I'd backhand them both, shake them until their teeth chattered and then of course get hauled away. It would be worth it!





Bonus Pic: Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas- Carlos isn't pointing, it all seems wrong somehow...